When you get injured in any way you are always asked the question, “How did that happen?” After the 20^th time you get the question it starts to become taxing to say the same thing over and over again…so….you start to make things up. A lot of people have the default made up answer of, “I fought a bear…and you should see the bear.”

Vicious creatures.

Sometimes I add on, “You can’t see the bear though, because due to my undying respect for animals I gave him a proper burial.” Then I watch as laughs turn to groans and it’s awesome (for me.)

But I think there needs to be way more answer options to have in our arsenals when we are injured and get that question. You can’t say you fought a bear every time, because then even THAT will get boring. So I decided to sit down and think of some more things to say…and here they are:

• I was vaulted into the future and took part in a robot vs. human’s war where a giant mechanic version of Osama Bin Laden fell on me after I stabbed him in the face with an ice pick.
• I was racing Koala bears in South America when all of a sudden poachers stormed in and I got this wound from hacking and slashing my own bull knife that was given to me by the local chieftain after I saved his daughter from a forest fire.
• Cage Match with Carrot Top
• A school of midgets attacked me from all sides like a pack of tiny awkward werewolves.
• I burnt myself with coffee…that was brewed on the god damn sun…it was Sun coffee.
• Oh this? Got this on my trip to the arctic – My partner fell through the ice and I pulled her to safety and to save her from hypothermia I wrapped my body around her like a man cocoon.
• I Twittered way too hard last night.
• Freak Violin accident
• I high-fived the hulk.
• Got caught up in an Ugg fire. I was burning all of the Uggs. Now I have this scar. Totally worth it.
• I saw a woman with her feet up on the passenger dashboard of a car across the highway so I jumped the divider and then one thing lead to another and now I need all of the surgeries.
• I broke up a fight between Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen. It was boss.
• Reinjured it while in Retail Physical Therapy
• Some dude was all like, “You can’t put shrapnel in the microwave!” and then I was all like, “WANNA BET BRO?!” so yeah, no more face.
• She broke my heart man…and then my leg.
• Remember when I died for like 3 minutes? Completely Unresponsive. Brain dead, really. Yeah, well I guess I was in heaven for a bit and randomly met up with Macho Man Randy Savage. The dude dropped a bow on me. It was great.
• I didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since this world has been turning. Either way though, smoke inhalation is a real bitch.
• Entered a boxing match against a bull with red shorts on.
• Flash Gordon scissor kicked me.
• I was Tubthumping.
• I was on the red carpet when Joan Rivers called Adele fat and me and Ryan Seacrest were the first to try and break up the fight…Adele has a mean haymaker.
• How many bullets where inside 50 cent? Well whatever, it was a bunch more than that. While on an erupting volcano.
• Tom Cruise electrocuted me.
• I was on this juice cleanse diet and my insides drowned themselves.
• I was singing a cover of La Roux’s “Bulletproof” on the street and then some vagrant was all like, “Wanna bet?!”
• Yeah, turns out I’m The Last Airbender.
• Got this one when I rode that Eagle to the world fair in 1930. Also I’m immortal, so, not a big deal.
• Battle Royale: Me vs. M. Night Shama-lama-dingdong. The twist ending was me pushing him off a cliff into a dark abyss.
• Got shot out of a cannon at clown school
• An onslaught of Corgis happened. I don’t want to talk about it!
• I was reading YouTube comments where Atheists and Christians were ripping into each other and then I proceeded to slam my face into the keyboard.
• I played Baskiceball with the Erickson brothers. It was a total blood bath.
• I hopped aboard the murder train.
• I had to get down on Friday.
• Bit too hard into my 8 candy necklaces.
• The door knob shocked me while I was standing in water and using a blender to chop up old hard drives and stray pieces of glass.
• Gravity is a bitch.
• I French fried when I should have pizza’d.
• …it was that stupid blue shell again.
• This? You don’t even wanna know…oh you do? Well…okay. So I was looking towards the sky as a shooting star threw itself across my vision like cotton on a breezy day – I looked around me and saw a long stretch of rope. Picked that shit up, tied a few knots, and starting whipping it around my head. As it got faster and faster the star got further and further away – and at just the right time I hurled the rope as fast as my arms would let me – and it flew across the horizon, out of this world, light years away until it wrapped tightly around that beast of a star. Before the rope pulled tight I wrapped it around my waist – and then WOOSH I went flying up into the sky – just before I hit the top of the atmosphere I took one last breath and waved goodbye to the Earth. The Star was headed out of our solar system, it had seen all it needed to see and picked up a passenger in the meantime so it decided to move on – I passed Mars and ate it like a candy bar, I dodged asteroids while fixing my belt, I rode the storm on Jupiter like Pecos Bill in the Tall Tales, I river danced across the rings of Saturn, held my laughing back on Uranus, took a picture of Neptune to send to Poseidon (we have fun), and softly pet Pluto for old time sake.  For years and years we traveled, boldly going where no man riding a star had gone before. Met an Extra Terrestrial, who when he found out we called them that he that said, “I mean, I might have gained a little weight over this past cosmological decade, but not enough to call me extra.” Then he cried. It was sweet. Then an immense amount of time passed, but I did not age at all. Until one day while sitting on a planet light years away from home I looked up to the star and said, “You know what. I know when I go back no one I knew will be alive…hell, the earth might not even be there. But I think the end of my story is me knowing what happened to where I came from, because without that land to stand on I could have never caught a star.” The star looked down upon me, obviously disappointed, but she understood. When we finally got back to Earth it was a little rustier than before and the O-Zone was all but gone – but it still had that green and blue I missed so much. The star set me down where my home used to be; now a field of a plant I did not recognize. As I waved good bye to the star I turned to see what was ahead of me. I had ridden around the universe – to the edge of it and back – but I didn’t do the one thing I had always wanted to do. Have an adventure on a land I called my home. Oh, also there was some time travel involved somewhere…not a big deal…and I tripped over a rock and scraped my knee. Wanna grab me that ointment? Cool, thanks.