When I get creatively stunted while writing a certain project my method for getting rid of writers block is making the stupidest thing I can think of. Just turning off my brain, and making something so bad that it hopefully kickstarts my brain back into writing something of worth. I do things like this all the time but I never show people because…well, because they’re dumb. But I figure, it’s funny to me at least a little bit, so it might be funny to one more person. So here ya go, this was today’s. (click to make bigger)
These are YouTube videos you may or may not have seen. Obviously the list is completely subjective, but I tried to make it so that it encompassed enough aspects of the YouTubes that you’d like at least one video.
I’m on YouTube more than most. YouTube and marathoning Netflix shows is my version of reading…plus sometimes, I actually read. I know…I’m insane.
There are many levels of YouTube depth. Ranging from: you watch Gangnam Style every now and again, to actually being subscribed to content creators and regularly following their posting schedules. I do the second one. Plus sometimes the first one. So, here are ten videos I want everyone to see. This can also be used as a test to see how much you’re on YouTube. If you get 10/10 that means way too much (like me) and if it’s 0/10 it means, get with the times brah.
Honorable Mention is Adam and I just cause:
I might do a sequel to this post in the future because narrowing this down was incredibly difficult. There are weird drum covers and epic rap battles I didn’t even get to show you….Oh well. And if you are really desperate to fall deeper into the YouTube depths go check THIS out and we’ll all see you in a few weeks.
I want to do a fun article but I’ve been a bit busy. Someone asked me the question “when do you have time to sleep?” last week and I was so happy. I love that question because it means I’m doing something right.
So here is a quick update on all the stuff. Last week I kinda secret published a short book called What More is There about going to see my Grandparents in the summer when I was a child. Other than the movie I’m making (I’ll get to that later) it’s the most personally invested I’ve ever been in a project. The description is: A telling of my childhood summer trips to visit my Grandparents from my first person perspective written by my Grandmother and elaborated upon by me 20 years later so we can always have these stories.
I made it as cheap as I could and it’s a literal one or two hour read so that’s a thing.
As for the movie (Ian and the Bishop), I’d say we just passed the half-way point of editing it. We have two more scenes that need rough cuts, then we have to go back through for audio levels and color corrects, music additions etc. My current estimate for that to be completed is the end of October, but I’ve been wrong before. Don’t worry though; when it comes out I’ll be shoving it down your throats constantly.
On the music front, Adam and I are in the middle of creating a full length Jolly Good record that has a name that we’re not telling people yet. I think it’s going to have 11 tracks if it all works out, and that should be done first quarter 2014.
Other writing stuff: I’m in the beginning stages of a new book – the working title of said book is “The Nightshade Express.” Also I’m working on the first draft of the next short film, which has a working title of “The Worst of Us.”
Plus I might try to fit in a web series called Apartment B2 and a web musical based on the new Jolly Good record, but who knows man. I change my mind on a pretty constant basis.
The first single off the new Jolly Good (The Comedy Rap Duo I’m in for funsies with Adam Carner) full length album is here! We’ve been working and perfecting this song for a while now and I’m extremely excited for people to finally be able to listen to it. Its premise is simple: Sometimes you just don’t want to go out on the weekends, and Staying In every once and a while can be straight up magical.
If you like the song you can download it on soundcloud for free and if you want to hear our last EP you can go here and download that for free as well. Below are the lyrics if you’re interested in following along – have a good day 🙂
Staying In by Jolly Good
Red = Adam, Purple = Ryan, Bold = Both, Pink = Elliot’s spot on girl impression
“Heyyyy man, you wanna go out tonight?”
“Nah, I’d much rather stay in”
Stayin’ home instead of going out
This is what adulthood is all about
“But it’s the weekend, gotta party it up!”
You should ask my sweat pants if they give a fuck
All up in my Kitchen, gonna cook up a storm
If you think I can’t go hard than you’re misinformed
Epic Meal time is every time I eat
If I’m not watching my carbs or intake of red meats
But I’m by myself with no one to judge
So I’m gonna fill this cake with molten lava fudge
Then I D to the Rizzle caramel galore
On these double stuffed Oreos for my mouth to explore
Turn back to the blender, gonna mix some shit
Let’s see how rum tastes with these bacon bits
No shame in drinking when you’re by yourself
If you don’t get caught then you don’t need help!
I’m Staying in Tonight
So don’t put up a fight
I’m chillin’ Home Alone
Don’t bother blowin’ up my phone
I’m Staying in Tonight
Relaxing is in sight
Ohhhh ohhh oh ohhh
I’m Staying In
Lay down on the couch All Cozy now
I turn my Netflix on while I eat my chow
But before I pick the night’s rad viewing pleasure
I Wiki random info at my leisure
With the outside getting darker yet
I try video games as another safe bet
This online fame is callin’ my name
Til a kid calls me a fag then I quit the game
Make some popcorn but I don’t need a bowl
Eating out of the bag cause I’m out of control
Create a new tiny world with Legos and pets
My Hamster balls so hard, don’t you ever forget
What can I say to get you to come out?
Wanna head to the bar?
I’m Stayin’ in
Set fire to my yard?
I’m Stayin’ in
Roll face at the club?
I’m Stayin’ in
Find your one true love?
I’m Stayin’ in
Ohhh oh oh oh ohhhh (Adam harmonizing with himself like a boss)
I’m Stayin in
I’m Stayin In
Walk naked round the house while there’s no one home
This kind of freedom only comes when you party alone
Instead of dance offs where I’m dropping it low
I stand tall at the window for my one man show
I’m Stayin In
Going to sleep, get a solid 8, but not before I procrasturbate
As my lights go out I and my slumber begins I’m just so happy that I said
I’m Stayin in – I’m Stayin in – I’m Stayin in
When you get injured in any way you are always asked the question, “How did that happen?” After the 20th time you get the question it starts to become taxing to say the same thing over and over again…so….you start to make things up. A lot of people have the default made up answer of, “I fought a bear…and you should see the bear.”
Sometimes I add on, “You can’t see the bear though, because due to my undying respect for animals I gave him a proper burial.” Then I watch as laughs turn to groans and it’s awesome (for me.)
But I think there needs to be way more answer options to have in our arsenals when we are injured and get that question. You can’t say you fought a bear every time, because then even THAT will get boring. So I decided to sit down and think of some more things to say…and here they are:
- I was vaulted into the future and took part in a robot vs. human’s war where a giant mechanic version of Osama Bin Laden fell on me after I stabbed him in the face with an ice pick.
- I was racing Koala bears in South America when all of a sudden poachers stormed in and I got this wound from hacking and slashing my own bull knife that was given to me by the local chieftain after I saved his daughter from a forest fire.
- Cage Match with Carrot Top
- A school of midgets attacked me from all sides like a pack of tiny awkward werewolves.
- I burnt myself with coffee…that was brewed on the god damn sun…it was Sun coffee.
- Oh this? Got this on my trip to the arctic – My partner fell through the ice and I pulled her to safety and to save her from hypothermia I wrapped my body around her like a man cocoon.
- I Twittered way too hard last night.
- Freak Violin accident
- I high-fived the hulk.
- Got caught up in an Ugg fire. I was burning all of the Uggs. Now I have this scar. Totally worth it.
- I saw a woman with her feet up on the passenger dashboard of a car across the highway so I jumped the divider and then one thing lead to another and now I need all of the surgeries.
- I broke up a fight between Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen. It was boss.
- Reinjured it while in Retail Physical Therapy
- Some dude was all like, “You can’t put shrapnel in the microwave!” and then I was all like, “WANNA BET BRO?!” so yeah, no more face.
- She broke my heart man…and then my leg.
- Remember when I died for like 3 minutes? Completely Unresponsive. Brain dead, really. Yeah, well I guess I was in heaven for a bit and randomly met up with Macho Man Randy Savage. The dude dropped a bow on me. It was great.
- I didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since this world has been turning. Either way though, smoke inhalation is a real bitch.
- Entered a boxing match against a bull with red shorts on.
- Flash Gordon scissor kicked me.
- I was Tubthumping.
- I was on the red carpet when Joan Rivers called Adele fat and me and Ryan Seacrest were the first to try and break up the fight…Adele has a mean haymaker.
- How many bullets where inside 50 cent? Well whatever, it was a bunch more than that. While on an erupting volcano.
- Tom Cruise electrocuted me.
- I was on this juice cleanse diet and my insides drowned themselves.
- I was singing a cover of La Roux’s “Bulletproof” on the street and then some vagrant was all like, “Wanna bet?!”
- Yeah, turns out I’m The Last Airbender.
- Got this one when I rode that Eagle to the world fair in 1930. Also I’m immortal, so, not a big deal.
- Battle Royale: Me vs. M. Night Shama-lama-dingdong. The twist ending was me pushing him off a cliff into a dark abyss.
- Got shot out of a cannon at clown school
- An onslaught of Corgis happened. I don’t want to talk about it!
- I was reading YouTube comments where Atheists and Christians were ripping into each other and then I proceeded to slam my face into the keyboard.
- I played Baskiceball with the Erickson brothers. It was a total blood bath.
- I hopped aboard the murder train.
- I had to get down on Friday.
- Bit too hard into my 8 candy necklaces.
- The door knob shocked me while I was standing in water and using a blender to chop up old hard drives and stray pieces of glass.
- Gravity is a bitch.
- I French fried when I should have pizza’d.
- …it was that stupid blue shell again.
- This? You don’t even wanna know…oh you do? Well…okay. So I was looking towards the sky as a shooting star threw itself across my vision like cotton on a breezy day – I looked around me and saw a long stretch of rope. Picked that shit up, tied a few knots, and starting whipping it around my head. As it got faster and faster the star got further and further away – and at just the right time I hurled the rope as fast as my arms would let me – and it flew across the horizon, out of this world, light years away until it wrapped tightly around that beast of a star. Before the rope pulled tight I wrapped it around my waist – and then WOOSH I went flying up into the sky – just before I hit the top of the atmosphere I took one last breath and waved goodbye to the Earth. The Star was headed out of our solar system, it had seen all it needed to see and picked up a passenger in the meantime so it decided to move on – I passed Mars and ate it like a candy bar, I dodged asteroids while fixing my belt, I rode the storm on Jupiter like Pecos Bill in the Tall Tales, I river danced across the rings of Saturn, held my laughing back on Uranus, took a picture of Neptune to send to Poseidon (we have fun), and softly pet Pluto for old time sake. For years and years we traveled, boldly going where no man riding a star had gone before. Met an Extra Terrestrial, who when he found out we called them that he that said, “I mean, I might have gained a little weight over this past cosmological decade, but not enough to call me extra.” Then he cried. It was sweet. Then an immense amount of time passed, but I did not age at all. Until one day while sitting on a planet light years away from home I looked up to the star and said, “You know what. I know when I go back no one I knew will be alive…hell, the earth might not even be there. But I think the end of my story is me knowing what happened to where I came from, because without that land to stand on I could have never caught a star.” The star looked down upon me, obviously disappointed, but she understood. When we finally got back to Earth it was a little rustier than before and the O-Zone was all but gone – but it still had that green and blue I missed so much. The star set me down where my home used to be; now a field of a plant I did not recognize. As I waved good bye to the star I turned to see what was ahead of me. I had ridden around the universe – to the edge of it and back – but I didn’t do the one thing I had always wanted to do. Have an adventure on a land I called my home. Oh, also there was some time travel involved somewhere…not a big deal…and I tripped over a rock and scraped my knee. Wanna grab me that ointment? Cool, thanks.
96.5% of the United States population owns a cell phone. That means that no matter what age you are, there is a good chance your pocket feels like it’s vibrating from time to time but no one is trying to contact you – take solace in the fact that it’s just your body being a dick.
Without trying to make a vacuuming generalization (I hate sweeping generalizations but I have to call them something) – the mobile phone is without a doubt in the top 5 best inventions of all time. In fact here is my top 5 for future reference:
5. The Telephone (But let’s be serious, The Mobile Phone is where it’s at. Suck it Alexander Graham Bell.)
4. Antibiotics (What up disease.)
3. The Printing Press (Or as I like to call it, Microsoft Word’s Great Grandpapa)
2. The Clock (More precisely the concept of telling time. And for the record, If you’re still using sundials you are so two thousand and late)
1. The Toilet (No invention has saved more lives. Seriously. Look it up. And later check out water.org – dropping human waste removal knowledge like it’s hot.)
But back to my point – I know many people, including myself, who live and die by their phone. Hell, if my phone’s battery is at 20% battery by 9pm on a Friday night I’m most likely having a panic attack. That’s not even a joke. It actually happens.
Similar to every major industry, diversification helps to drive private and public companies toward better, more technologically advanced phones as time goes on. (That would be my beginning sentence if I was writing a High School term paper about the telephone. Holler at my English teachers.)
In layman terms – every time some dude from Apple Bottom Jeans or MicroSofties gets up on stage and tells us they’re holding THE NEXT BIG THING – everyone else in the business takes it as a challenge to, not just make the next next big thing, but to make THE big thing. This only bodes well for us, the consumers. Personally I want all of the fun things and if it turns out all of the fun things are super-duper amazing, then I’d say I’m better off. (And as those same English teachers from before cringe, I take a bow.)
Pulling from the list of top mobile phone sales by year on the all seeing all knowing website Wikipedia, I’ll break down what owning a specific phone model says about you.
The iPhone 5: It’s the last product our buddy Steve worked on before he checked out for good. It’s taller. It’s thinner. It has a camera that everyone tells me is better although I think they might be yanking my chain on that one. Owning the newest iPhone is like owning the newest car. It doesn’t mean you’re better than me…but at the same time it sorta does…but whatever. I’ll tomahawk your ass, you don’t even know!!
iPhone 4 or 4s: “I don’t know what the big deal is with the new one. This one is working just fine. Like, I get an upgrade that makes the future iPhone like, one billion dollars instead of two billion dollars in like seventy years, so like, I’ll figure it out then…ya know?….Like.” Says everyone ever.
Older iPhones: You’re either in college or homeless. Or both.
Samsung Galaxy: We get it. Apple fanbois are lame and it’s so nice to be thinking outside the box with your Android phone. Again – I’ll reiterate because it’s so important. We. Get. It. You’re unique! You’re an individual! Also 80 million other people bought these phones so you might want to find a bigger bandwagon to jump on that doesn’t have as many insufferable people.
Samsung Galaxy Note: Anything that comes with a stylus these days is horrible. Promptly throw it out.
Any HTC Phone: These phones are like early in life relationships – they go through phases. First is the cupcake phase where everyone is jolly and the world is a new and brighter place. Then the complacency sets in. Maybe sometimes you get the stink lens because you get caught looking at other phones. You get accused of not touching the screen the way you did when you first brought it home. Maybe you love it but you’re not “in” love with it. It shuts down without warning. Its mood freezes up for absolutely no reason. It’s a giant bitch who cheats on you and then it’s somehow YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT!!!!!!!!! …….Umm…Maybe just get another phone.
Crackberry: If you ever want an accessory to make it look like you are constantly late for a meeting – this is it. You are now considered old school with your physical buttons and your little ball or arrows that do gosh knows what. Seeing “Sent from my Blackberry” is now like seeing an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker. It’s so rare; it might as well be extinct.
Motorola – Nokia – LG – ZTE – ETC: You might think ETC stands for some phone brand. It doesn’t. It stands for etcetera – although that would be a great brand name. PATENT PENDING. – All of these different companies have a lot in common. They run some form of Android and/or their own operating systems. They think “apps” is still a word people care about. They have phones the size of tablets but they refuse to call them that because they’re edgy.
These are the phones you’ll walk into a Radio Shack or a Verizon/AT&T ETC (patent pending) store and the salesman will be pushing on that random day to meet their quota. Sales people will tell you things like, “the screens are so clear that you can watch movies on them! OhMyGherd!” You can literally watch movies on anything these days. There are freaking toasters that play videos now. Your weird phone isn’t special.
Flip Phones: You’re super lame but you also still have the ability to slam your phone shut when you’re trying to make a point which makes me peanut butter and jealous.
Brick Phones: Just….stop it. Stop it right now. Cut it out. It’s over. Just…..stop it with your stupid face. Get with the times, people. If you owned a brick phone and your name was, oh I don’t know…Kate? You would be two thousand and Kate. And that’s worse somehow….so stop it.
When I’m not full time jobbing or writing- my other hobby is being a hardcore rapper….or more accurately writing and producing rap songs with my friends that are recorded in a closest that we call our “studio.” It’s a combination of talents to create sounds. I write the lyrics and rap as well as I possibly can, my friend Adam records, masters, raps, and sings, – and the rest of my friends patiently listen to tell me if it’s good or not. On this new song we put another one of our friends, Elliot “Steezy Neezy” Smith on the track because like all white people, rapping is a secret guilty pleasure hobby he desperately wanted to try.
This new song is called “The Floor is Lava.” There are a bunch of references to a bunch of things that aren’t all that important – but I like writing them anyway. Also, I’ve always wanted to rap about The Busy World of Richard Scarry. Take a listen and download (for free) if you like it! And if you so happen to show it to like, one million friends, I wouldn’t be totally against it. Lyrics are below.
(Shout) Jolly Good show!
If you see us on the streets we got no money to blow
We’re going old school, that’s all we can afford
We’re dropping A major cause We’re striking a chord (Come On)
We don’t have a plan
If we did you’d see us strutting
With that money in hand
I think we hit our stride, pick up your feet, got nothin’ to fear
Let’s pretend the floor is lava, and dance til it is crystal clear
Verse 1: RYAN
I’m an addict for the dramatics; I confuse your use for love
But with this world as my witness, I think I can rise above
You see I have this certain swagger, not the normal kind of course
Yeah my friends they call me Old Spice, Look he’s riding on a horse
I can run four minute miles, Take an eagle in a fight
I’m so fly I can’t be wrong because I’m always Orville Wright
This is a sticky situation; we need to mediate this quickly
Write to PO box 963 with Attention to Mr. Stickly
They call my dick skittles, biddies tasting on my rainbow
Tend to be in high demand like labor at home depot
If you think that I’m self centered, just take a step back
And know that I am lying about everything on this track
You see, that’s what raps are, just a cavalcade of lies
If I rapped what I really thought, It’d be sweet potato fries
So let’s pretend for a moment
That my monies making money
Wearing dollar green vests
Hit The Beets like Doug Funnie!
2nd CHORUS /w
I think we hit our stride, pick up your feet, got nothin’ to lose
Let’s pretend the floor is lava, and dance til we run out of booze
Verse 2: ELLIOT
New 20 inch rims on all 4 sides
I choose my car over food but ramen will be fine
If my game were horses mine would have to be glue
And if my name were style, I’d lose myself to blue’s clues
If your dick is skittles mines the everlasting gob stopper
Willy wonka want my recipe, V. Salt wants me to Pop her
In my nature to spend money, call my wallet kill bills
If Travolta tries to stab me he’ll meet my Royale with chi grill
Rackin drinks at the bar yeah I never go wrong,
Rum and cokes so instrumental better call em’ my song
When Sunday morning comes around, man you know it’s fam break
Always hittin up the coffee break where they know to split the check
Leave Kate in the dust at the end of our meals
Stab her in the face for tix to deal or no deal (Don’t cha know!)
Team Big pretties represent as I start to transfix
But listen I’ll hafta to call ya back once I finish Netflix (BITCH)
Verse 3: ADAM
Might not be poppin’ bottles
But I’m poppin’ now in your chest
You can call me Gravedigger
From the way I’m alive but bury the rest
I don’t go HAM, I go turkey
Breakin’ each and every leg
And if I ever need a wish
I’ll dig up all those bones I save
Yeah you can tell I’m magic
In my busy world of Richard Scarry
Just got the master key at Gringotts
“You’re a Fuckin’ Wizard Harry!”
So here we are with these ambitions
Hitting the tracks of life full force
Plus I’ll be down for making babies
When I get pushed off my high horse
But in truth you’re more than objects cause our mommas raised us right
But if you want a sketchy STD I won’t put up that fight
Cause I’m worth it and I know it that’s why I won’t let you get me down
The best offense is a good defense and I’m going hard downtown
You look encumbered
Hate is baggage
Empty your pockets
That looks average
Maybe you should fly you fools
To ensure your fellowships safe passage
At my house party
Drinks are flowing
Get your feet up off this floor
It’s this fire that we are lovin’!
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