Essay

Graham the Cracker

Ryan Brady Leave a comment

When I get creatively stunted while writing a certain project my method for getting rid of writers block is making the stupidest thing I can think of. Just turning off my brain, and making something so bad that it hopefully kickstarts my brain back into writing something of worth. I do things like this all the time but I never show people because…well, because they’re dumb. But I figure, it’s funny to me at least a little bit, so it might be funny to one more person. So here ya go, this was today’s. (click to make bigger)

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I’m Afraid

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I’m afraid I’m not talented enough to succeed. I’m afraid that even though I put every fiber of my being into achieving my goal, it still won’t happen because I’m just not good enough.

I’m a writer. Out of all of my hobbies, writing is the one I have invested the greatest amount of true work hours into. Malcolm Gladwell said “… researchers have settled on what they believe is the magic number for true expertise: ten thousand hours.” That might also remind you of a Macklemore and Ryan Lewis song aptly named “10,000 hours,” and for a very good reason, they are based on the same principle. To become an expert at anything according to Mr. Gladwell, you have to put 10,000 hours of practice into whatever it is. To writers, those hours can easily be translated and then subsequently measured by word counts.

So, let’s do some math! Well, I guess I’ll do some math and you just have to keep reading this. Good, I’m glad we had that talk. I am 8 days from being 26 years old and in the spirit of rounding up, let’s just say I’ve been alive for 26 years. I have been literate for 22 of those years. I have been writing stories for 10 of those years. On a weekly basis I average 800 written words, most of which are not publishable. That number includes weeks that I’ve written 20,000 words (that happened one time – it was a very good week) and others when I have written absolutely nothing.

4 x 800 = 3200 words a month

3200 x 12 = 38400 words a year

38400 x 10 years = 384000 words all time

For reference the book I just finished reading, Divergent, has 105,000 words. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone is 76,944 words. Ulysses by James Joyce is 265,000 words. The longest novel ever recorded is Mission Earth by L. Ron Hubbard coming in at 1.2 million words. Granted, L. Ron Hubbard can sometimes be described as a  psychotic lunatic, but you have to give it to the dude, he wrote a whole hell of a lot of words. For even more reference, my debut novel Odessa Red (available on Amazon.com) is 45,093 words.

Now, this is not to say that the number of written words automatically equals the quality of your product. It’s just saying that as a writer, the designation I identify myself with the most, I am a relative novice. And in that light, here is the cold hard truth: I’m not good enough yet, but I’ve invested too much time and effort to stop now.

On a related note, I truly love writing and because of that love it doesn’t matter how many times I fail, I will never stop. But what you love and what you’re good at are two very different subjects. I know why I love writing. The idea that words in a particular order that did not exist previously can create entire worlds is absolutely amazing to me, and my ultimate goal is to create worlds that I love and that others can fall in love with as well.

I want that very badly, but I will never say that I want it badly enough that I will definitely succeed. I honestly don’t know if I will succeed, and I think that’s the point. I might not be good enough. I might not have the talent to describe the worlds in my dreams. But that has nothing to do with whether or not I will keep writing. I doubt myself often; mostly at night right before I fall asleep. I ask myself why I keep doing this. Why I try so hard. I read books and think that I’ll never be able to encapsulate a story like they did. But then I fall asleep, wake up, get out of bed, and do it all again. Because the elation brought on by success outweighs the misery of failure. Success hasn’t happened yet, and I don’t know if the previous statement is true or not, but I want it to be true so badly and not trying is a great way to never find out if it can be true.

Everyone has something like this in their lives. I love writing. Ask yourself what you love. I don’t know how you feel, but I know that I’m glad I’m afraid of what I love and I think you should be too. Fear drives me toward an unknown future and personally, I’d rather be afraid than be nothing at all.

My Not So Secret Obsession

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I have an obsession only some close friends and family know of – and I wont waste your time here: it’s the Olympics. Both the summer and winter games although I only take off work for the summer Olympics. To put this in perspective I give up vacation days to sit at home and watch my television for a week in the summer every 4 years. I bought a stupidly gigantic TV this year because I want to feel like I’m almost in Sochi, Russia for the 2014 winter games and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil for the 2016 summer games.

To give you another example of how invested I am in the Olympic games I know off the top of my head that on September 7th, 2013 the International Olympic Committee (IOC) will be choosing from 3 cities (Tokyo, Madrid, and Istanbul)

logosat the 125th IOC session in Buenos Aires, Argentina to see who will be hosting the summer games in 2020. (For the record my educated guess is Tokyo, followed closely by Istanbul and Madrid is 3rd but who knows miracles have happened before and they almost beat Rio for the 2016 slot which at this point it looks as though they should have due to the overwhelming protests Rio is dealing with because of preparations for said Olympic games and the 2014 FIFA World Cup.)

FYI – The 2018 winter Olympics city has already been chosen to be PyeongChang, South Korea which I know sounds strange but I assure you it’s not. Also if I had to guess the next time any Olympic games would be on American soil I would say either the 2024 in Los Angeles (although the Toronto bid is strong) or 2026 in Salt Lake City, Utah for the winter games. So yeah, I’m super into it.

The first Olympics I remember watching was the summer Olympics of 1996. I tuned in because at the time I was a huge Orlando Magic fan (NBA team) and more specifically a Shaquille O’Neal fan (starting Center on the Orlando Magic) – so I needed to see him compete with the USA Basketball team. That week I was visiting my grandparents in Saratoga, NY and I begged and pleaded to stay up late enough to catch a replay of the game that happened earlier that day in Atlanta, GA.

Around 11pm that night I was sitting in my grandparent’s living room on a fluffy pillow in the middle of the hardwood floor aimed directly at the television. Behind me in their respective chairs both of my grandparents were completely passed out and had been for several hours which was fantastic because they would have never let 9 year old me stay up that late otherwise. My knees were digging into the ground through the pillow making it extremely uncomfortable but I fought through it because I was almost there. The promised land. The greatest show on earth. As the broadcast started on July 20th, 1996 (USA’s first game against Argentina) my mind was racing.

Before I dive deeper let me explain this team so that even if you don’t like or understand basketball you’re on the same page as me. For what it’s worth I consider the 1996 USA Men’s Basketball team to be the second best team in all of sports history. I’m not talking just basketball – I’m talking the second best group of human beings playing any sport of all time. And they would be #1 easily if it wasn’t for the 1992 USA Men’s team. See in 1992 the Olympics began to allow professional basketball players participate in the Olympics. Prior to 1992 only semi-pro players could play which meant the USA teams were mostly made up of the best collegiate players in the nation. That’s not to say we weren’t a force to be reckoned with before 1992 as we had won 9 gold medals in Olympics past but since then it has become a popular past time in many other regions of the world and America was not the overall favorite at every Olympic games in the 1980’s. In 1992 that all changed.

In 1992 the USA Men’s Basketball team didn’t lose one game on their way to a gold medal and furthermore their average margin of victory was 43.8 points. That’s a large amount for anyone wondering. Not only did they win, but they absolutely destroyed every team that got in their way. Sports Illustrated later stated that the Dream Team was “arguably the most dominant squad ever assembled in any sport” with the likes of Michael Jordan (the greatest basketball player of all time), Larry Bird (Best shooter in my opinion/small forward of all time in most peoples opinions), Magic Johnson (best point guard of all time hands down), Charles Barkley (Said to be the slowest and fattest guy on the court, but also one of the leading scorers on the team and one of the best power forwards of all time), Karl Malone & John Stockton (One of the best power forwards and point guards respectively of all time, and arguably the best duo of all time), Patrick Ewing (top 10 centers of all time), Clyde Drexler( top 10 shooting guards of all time), David Robinson (top 10 centers all time), Chris Mullin (50 greatest players of all time), Scottie Pippin (top 5 small forwards of all time), and last and certainly least Christian Laettner who had no right being there but he hit one amazing shot to win at the end of a game that some consider the greatest basketball game ever played.) All but one (you can guess which) of those players are in basketballs Hall of Fame for their individual efforts and the entire team is immortalized in the HoF as the first accurately named  “Dream Team.” If you ever want to learn more about said team watch this fantastic documentary on youtube fo free.

1992 – Jordan, Ewing, Johnson, Malone, Barkley

Sadly I was 4 years old in 1992 and did not yet have the level of appreciation for Olympic basketball as I did in 1996, so when I sat down to watch my first USA basketball game that night I was hearing about 1992 like it was already a legend. The 1996 team had 5 players from 1992 – Karl Malone, John Stockton, Scottie Pippin, David Robinson, and Charles Barkley. The new players included Shaquille O’Neal (top 5 centers of all time), Hakeem Olajuwon (top 5 centers of all time), Gary Payton (top 10 point guards of all time), Reggie Miller (2nd on the list of most 3 pointers ever made), Mitch Richmond (6 time NBA All-Star), Grant Hill (7 time NBA All-Star), and Penny Hardaway (3 time NBA All-Star). The margin of victory in 1996 ended up being a measly 32.3 points – not over 40, but it still did the job.

1996 Dream Team

Throughout the game these players would show off their talent against a well put together Argentina team that had no chance from the get go. John Stockton would throw a no look pass to Karl Malone for an easy dunk. From time to time head coach Larry Wilkens would put Shaq (7 foot 1), Hakeem (7 feet), and David Robinson (7 foot 1) in simultaneously which was just amazingly unfair. Reggie Miller would drain a 3 like he did in the other teams nightmares. I swear to this day I didn’t blink for long extended periods of time on purpose so I wouldn’t miss a single play. That year the Dream Team won the championship game 95 to 69 against FR Yugoslavia (now Serbia) – a blowout to end all blowouts.

When my grandparents woke up as the game ended and my obsession had taken complete hold of me I was in tears. My grandmother, obviously concerned that her grandson was sitting by himself in the dark and crying asked me what was wrong. I looked up at her, wiped the tears from my face and said “nothing. Nothing is wrong.” That night was the first time I  remember crying tears of joy.

To this day if I am asked what my overall goals in life are I say the ones that are sort of obvious: I want to be a writer and musician full time, but besides that – one day, I want to watch the USA Men’s Basketball team at the Olympics win a gold medal. And whomever is with me that day must be prepared, because I’m going to cry like a little baby. And if it’s my future wife (crosses fingers, knocks on wood at the same time) she will have to come to terms with the fact that she just witnessed the greatest moment of my life (tied of course with children and day of marriage) but it’s absolutely tied with no questions asked.

So – now that you know that about me what are your incredibly specific obsessions that no one really knows about? Let me know.

Til next time thanks for reading,

Ryan

For my Little Lady

Ryan Brady 1 Comment

A while back I wrote a sort of Slam Poem entitled, “A Letter to my Little Man”  – A few people enjoyed it and said I should write another but this time to my future daughter. So here that is. 

You terrify me. You make your every waking second a nightmare and your every sleeping second a warm embrace in paradise. Holding you in my arms is a miracle and watching you walk and talk is a 50/50 shot between elation and immeasurable heartache. One day you won’t be this way anymore. You’ll always be mine but you’ll never be all mine again. The thought of sharing you with this word violently shakes me to the core but not because I don’t think you’re not ready for this world…no….this world isn’t ready for you. My little girl. My little lady. My daughter.

First off let’s get something straight little lady, boys are filthy war mongering savages whose only place on this earth is to ruin others with their foulness. I know. I am one. This might not make sense now, but when you’re older just know, the moment you bring a significant other into our home I will harass and embarrass to my utmost ability. I’ve earned it. You will be angry and possibly call me an “old fogey” or whatever weird slang future teens use then – but it’s happening either way. So deal with it.

This life will hurt you. This world will beat you to a pulp and then hit you once more for good measure. For every good experience you have you’ll have two bad ones and some moments will feel like a nonstop storm above your head washing your hopes and dreams away. This world prepares for failures to fail – it does not prepare for people like you. People who won’t tap out. People who won’t throw in that white towel no matter how red it is when it hits the ground. Some say life is a fight and you’re in it to win it – that’s not true. Life is a fight and you’re in it to survive. Winners leave the ring little lady. Survivors keep fighting. That’s what you will be.

On a side note: If someone ever tells you to “make them a sandwich” you are 100% allowed to sock them in the face. Hard. Like, knock them the fuck out. I will bail you out of jail no questions asked, put my arm around your shoulder, and walk you to the car with a canyon of a smile.

I call you my little lady to keep you to myself. My life will be a constant battle between letting you share your wealth with the world and holding you closer to my chest until you have to push me away yourself. I don’t want to suffocate – I’m just afraid. Afraid that if I let go you will never yoyo back. Afraid that once you taste fresh air you’ll never want to breathe the stagnation surrounding dear old dad. Afraid that I tried my very very best to raise a little girl who didn’t just take the world by storm – no, she rode that storm until it’s bitter end and then immediately looked for the next set of dark clouds to conquer, and that the last storm you’ll want to see is that one cloud hanging over me; from missing you.

Fathers are supposed to give advice I hear…so here goes. Remember that Daddy looks strong but Mom will always be stronger. Remember that counting your lucky stars is a waste of time – it’s always better to notice the space between the stars so you always have some sky to fill.  Remember that with your arms open wide you can touch the rising tide but with your eyes open wide you can see the entire ocean. Remember that for every moment of clarity will come the cynic who says it didn’t matter in the scheme of things – that every person is but a speck of dust and every moment is an even smaller speck and every word or shaky metaphor we utter is even smaller yet….but you tell them, every shaky metaphor comes from solid ground and every word comes from heated breathe and every moment comes from an endless pool of love and devotion that we have dedicated to each other and every person who claims to be a speck will spend their time in the wind while you, with your little speck arms, will always reach out to hold on, even for a tiny speck of time. And if that moment does not come, you tried, as I did to raise a daughter so generous and kind and as willing to teach as she is to learn – which is not all that matters, but it’s all that matters to me.

My greatest achievement will be laying the map of life in front of you, pointing to the edges of that map and saying “these are only suggestions and this map can always grow by your side. Go easy on them little lady – this world was never ready for you, but if we did this right, that’s the way you’ll always prefer it.”

Love and LTFT,

Your Daddy

Jurassic Park 4D: The Adventures of Zeb and Teddy

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On a whim I started to write/produce an audio book with my friend Marc Gibson – cause I thought it would be fun and I needed a productive distraction from that movie I’m making this summer. We were talking about what would actually happen if Jurassic Park ended up being a real place. Then because there are two of us we decided two fictional characters should go through this scenario.  It’s in the future – Jurassic Park is opening of at Universal Studios and these two nerdy dudes who love this movie to death get the chance to be on the first ride along with the original cast…and then everything goes wrong.

Each episode will be  6-15 minutes long and it is available for free listens on SoundCloud (below)  Take a listen – it’s gonna be lots of fun!

More Things to Say When You Get Injured

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When you get injured in any way you are always asked the question, “How did that happen?” After the 20th time you get the question it starts to become taxing to say the same thing over and over again…so….you start to make things up. A lot of people have the default made up answer of, “I fought a bear…and you should see the bear.”

Vicious creatures.

Sometimes I add on, “You can’t see the bear though, because due to my undying respect for animals I gave him a proper burial.” Then I watch as laughs turn to groans and it’s awesome (for me.)

But I think there needs to be way more answer options to have in our arsenals when we are injured and get that question. You can’t say you fought a bear every time, because then even THAT will get boring. So I decided to sit down and think of some more things to say…and here they are:

  • I was vaulted into the future and took part in a robot vs. human’s war where a giant mechanic version of Osama Bin Laden fell on me after I stabbed him in the face with an ice pick.
  • I was racing Koala bears in South America when all of a sudden poachers stormed in and I got this wound from hacking and slashing my own bull knife that was given to me by the local chieftain after I saved his daughter from a forest fire.
  • Cage Match with Carrot Top
  • A school of midgets attacked me from all sides like a pack of tiny awkward werewolves.
  • I burnt myself with coffee…that was brewed on the god damn sun…it was Sun coffee.
  • Oh this? Got this on my trip to the arctic – My partner fell through the ice and I pulled her to safety and to save her from hypothermia I wrapped my body around her like a man cocoon.
  • I Twittered way too hard last night.
  • Freak Violin accident
  • I high-fived the hulk.
  • Got caught up in an Ugg fire. I was burning all of the Uggs. Now I have this scar. Totally worth it.
  • I saw a woman with her feet up on the passenger dashboard of a car across the highway so I jumped the divider and then one thing lead to another and now I need all of the surgeries.
  • I broke up a fight between Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen. It was boss.
  • Reinjured it while in Retail Physical Therapy
  • Some dude was all like, “You can’t put shrapnel in the microwave!” and then I was all like, “WANNA BET BRO?!” so yeah, no more face.
  • She broke my heart man…and then my leg.
  • Remember when I died for like 3 minutes? Completely Unresponsive. Brain dead, really. Yeah, well I guess I was in heaven for a bit and randomly met up with Macho Man Randy Savage. The dude dropped a bow on me. It was great.
  • I didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since this world has been turning. Either way though, smoke inhalation is a real bitch.
  • Entered a boxing match against a bull with red shorts on.
  • Flash Gordon scissor kicked me.
  • I was Tubthumping.
  • I was on the red carpet when Joan Rivers called Adele fat and me and Ryan Seacrest were the first to try and break up the fight…Adele has a mean haymaker.
  • How many bullets where inside 50 cent? Well whatever, it was a bunch more than that. While on an erupting volcano.
  • Tom Cruise electrocuted me.
  • I was on this juice cleanse diet and my insides drowned themselves.
  • I was singing a cover of La Roux’s “Bulletproof” on the street and then some vagrant was all like, “Wanna bet?!”
  • Yeah, turns out I’m The Last Airbender.
  • Got this one when I rode that Eagle to the world fair in 1930. Also I’m immortal, so, not a big deal.
  • Battle Royale: Me vs. M. Night Shama-lama-dingdong. The twist ending was me pushing him off a cliff into a dark abyss.
  • Got shot out of a cannon at clown school
  • An onslaught of Corgis happened. I don’t want to talk about it!
  • I was reading YouTube comments where Atheists and Christians were ripping into each other and then I proceeded to slam my face into the keyboard.
  • I played Baskiceball with the Erickson brothers. It was a total blood bath.
  • I hopped aboard the murder train.
  • I had to get down on Friday.
  • Bit too hard into my 8 candy necklaces.
  • The door knob shocked me while I was standing in water and using a blender to chop up old hard drives and stray pieces of glass.
  • Gravity is a bitch.
  • I French fried when I should have pizza’d.
  • …it was that stupid blue shell again.
  • This? You don’t even wanna know…oh you do? Well…okay. So I was looking towards the sky as a shooting star threw itself across my vision like cotton on a breezy day – I looked around me and saw a long stretch of rope. Picked that shit up, tied a few knots, and starting whipping it around my head. As it got faster and faster the star got further and further away – and at just the right time I hurled the rope as fast as my arms would let me – and it flew across the horizon, out of this world, light years away until it wrapped tightly around that beast of a star. Before the rope pulled tight I wrapped it around my waist – and then WOOSH I went flying up into the sky – just before I hit the top of the atmosphere I took one last breath and waved goodbye to the Earth. The Star was headed out of our solar system, it had seen all it needed to see and picked up a passenger in the meantime so it decided to move on – I passed Mars and ate it like a candy bar, I dodged asteroids while fixing my belt, I rode the storm on Jupiter like Pecos Bill in the Tall Tales, I river danced across the rings of Saturn, held my laughing back on Uranus, took a picture of Neptune to send to Poseidon (we have fun), and softly pet Pluto for old time sake.  For years and years we traveled, boldly going where no man riding a star had gone before. Met an Extra Terrestrial, who when he found out we called them that he that said, “I mean, I might have gained a little weight over this past cosmological decade, but not enough to call me extra.” Then he cried. It was sweet. Then an immense amount of time passed, but I did not age at all. Until one day while sitting on a planet light years away from home I looked up to the star and said, “You know what. I know when I go back no one I knew will be alive…hell, the earth might not even be there. But I think the end of my story is me knowing what happened to where I came from, because without that land to stand on I could have never caught a star.” The star looked down upon me, obviously disappointed, but she understood. When we finally got back to Earth it was a little rustier than before and the O-Zone was all but gone – but it still had that green and blue I missed so much. The star set me down where my home used to be; now a field of a plant I did not recognize. As I waved good bye to the star I turned to see what was ahead of me. I had ridden around the universe – to the edge of it and back – but I didn’t do the one thing I had always wanted to do. Have an adventure on a land I called my home. Oh, also there was some time travel involved somewhere…not a big deal…and I tripped over a rock and scraped my knee. Wanna grab me that ointment? Cool, thanks.

Follow Your Dreams

Ryan Brady Leave a comment

So many people say that. It’s almost always the answer to the question, “How do I succeed?” along with “Work hard every day” and “Never give up.” Etc etc

I absolutely hate vague direction. Follow Your Dreams, as a mindset, is vague. Following your dreams has a very simple check list – and if you are planning on having your dreams come true (cause who in the hell doesn’t want that) then you should follow it. So…here it is:

  1. Do you actually want it? Cause you seem to be bitching out here and there. You have some other things to do. Work/School is really busy right now. Sleeping is really great. Listen, I get it. Your dreams aren’t all that important – OH WAIT YES THEY ARE, THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT YOU. How about you make time for them? You will always and forever be your first obstacle.
  2. Use that time wisely. You can be good at something without practice, but you’re never going to be great without it. You are looking for perfection and if your reply to the thought of perfection is, “Being 100% perfect isn’t possible” then you are never going to see your dreams come true. Your answer, every time should be, “I WILL be perfect, and if I’m not perfect yet, I will work every day and every night towards perfection.”
  3. Step 3 is the most important step of them all. You have made time for your dreams. You have practiced and practiced and honed your craft – you’re not as great as you can be because there is always room to get better, though you’re pretty god damn impressive. But there are obstacles other than you. Naysayers. Doubters. Haters. Misanthropes. Objects that claim to be immovable and people that claim to be Impenetrable. When it comes to situations like those I subscribe to one phrase and one phrase only: Screw em. Step 3 is Screw em. Over and over. Everything time those objects or people are all up in your grill. Screw. Em.
  4. Step 4 is almost as important as Step 3. Enjoying the fruits of your labor. That fruit tastes delicious. The amount of time you choose to enjoy yourself is up to you – I usually choose the shortest amount of time. For me the greatest amount of fun and pride comes from the buildup to enjoyment – when I reach the peak I get a good look, breath in the fresh air, and then start to head back down to do it all over again. The best part about fulfilling your dreams is that it can happen over and over again – as many times as you let it.

You and I both need to come to the conclusion that life is too short to suck at anything we do. Being mediocre is a decision. We CAN choose otherwise.

What Your Phone Says About You

Ryan Brady 1 Comment

96.5% of the United States population owns a cell phone. That means that no matter what age you are, there is a good chance your pocket feels like it’s vibrating from time to time but no one is trying to contact you – take solace in the fact that it’s just your body being a dick.

Without trying to make a vacuuming generalization (I hate sweeping generalizations but I have to call them something) – the mobile phone is without a doubt in the top 5 best inventions of all time. In fact here is my top 5 for future reference:

5. The Telephone (But let’s be serious, The Mobile Phone is where it’s at. Suck it Alexander Graham Bell.)

4. Antibiotics (What up disease.)

3. The Printing Press (Or as I like to call it, Microsoft Word’s Great Grandpapa)

2. The Clock (More precisely the concept of telling time. And for the record, If you’re still using sundials you are so two thousand and late)

1. The Toilet (No invention has saved more lives. Seriously. Look it up. And later check out water.org – dropping human waste removal knowledge like it’s hot.)

But back to my point – I know many people, including myself, who live and die by their phone. Hell, if my phone’s battery is at 20% battery by 9pm on a Friday night I’m most likely having a panic attack. That’s not even a joke. It actually happens.

Similar to every major industry, diversification helps to drive private and public companies toward better, more technologically advanced phones as time goes on. (That would be my beginning sentence if I was writing a High School term paper about the telephone. Holler at my English teachers.)

In layman terms – every time some dude from Apple Bottom Jeans or MicroSofties gets up on stage and tells us they’re holding THE NEXT BIG THING – everyone else in the business takes it as a challenge to, not just make the next next big thing, but to make THE big thing. This only bodes well for us, the consumers. Personally I want all of the fun things and if it turns out all of the fun things are super-duper amazing, then I’d say I’m better off. (And as those same English teachers from before cringe, I take a bow.)

Pulling from the list of top mobile phone sales by year on the all seeing all knowing website Wikipedia, I’ll break down what owning a specific phone model says about you.

Ebony and Ivory

The iPhone 5: It’s the last product our buddy Steve worked on before he checked out for good. It’s taller. It’s thinner. It has a camera that everyone tells me is better although I think they might be yanking my chain on that one. Owning the newest iPhone is like owning the newest car. It doesn’t mean you’re better than me…but at the same time it sorta does…but whatever. I’ll tomahawk your ass, you don’t even know!!

iPhone 4 or 4s: “I don’t know what the big deal is with the new one. This one is working just fine. Like,  I get an upgrade that makes the future iPhone like, one billion dollars instead of two billion dollars in like seventy years, so like, I’ll figure it out then…ya know?….Like.” Says everyone ever.

Older iPhones: You’re either in college or homeless. Or both.

The Galaxy: ohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh shut up

Samsung Galaxy: We get it. Apple fanbois are lame and it’s so nice to be thinking outside the box with your Android phone. Again – I’ll reiterate because it’s so important. We. Get. It. You’re unique! You’re an individual! Also 80 million other people bought these phones so you might want to find a bigger bandwagon to jump on that doesn’t have as many insufferable people.

220px-Samsung_Galaxy_Note

Note the Piece of plastic that people with fingers find extra useless

Samsung Galaxy Note: Anything that comes with a stylus these days is horrible. Promptly throw it out.

Any HTC Phone: These phones are like early in life relationships – they go through phases. First is the cupcake phase where everyone is jolly and the world is a new and brighter place. Then the complacency sets in. Maybe sometimes you get the stink lens because you get caught looking at other phones. You get accused of not touching the screen the way you did when you first brought it home. Maybe you love it but you’re not “in” love with it. It shuts down without warning. Its mood freezes up for absolutely no reason. It’s a giant bitch who cheats on you and then it’s somehow YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT!!!!!!!!! …….Umm…Maybe just get another phone.

Ever notice how Crackberry and Crackbaby are eerily similar words? Photo: http://aquanhaphoto.com

Crackberry: If you ever want an accessory to make it look like you are constantly late for a meeting – this is it. You are now considered old school with your physical buttons and your little ball or arrows that do gosh knows what. Seeing “Sent from my Blackberry” is now like seeing an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker. It’s so rare; it might as well be extinct.

Motorola – Nokia – LG – ZTE – ETC: You might think ETC stands for some phone brand. It doesn’t. It stands for etcetera – although that would be a great brand name. PATENT PENDING. – All of these different companies have a lot in common. They run some form of Android and/or their own operating systems. They think “apps” is still a word people care about. They have phones the size of tablets but they refuse to call them that because they’re edgy.

I for one look forward to our new toaster overlords

These are the phones you’ll walk into a Radio Shack or a Verizon/AT&T ETC (patent pending) store and the salesman will be pushing on that random day to meet their quota. Sales people will tell you things like, “the screens are so clear that you can watch movies on them! OhMyGherd!” You can literally watch movies on anything these days. There are freaking toasters that play videos now. Your weird phone isn’t special.

Flip Phones: You’re super lame but you also still have the ability to slam your phone shut when you’re trying to make a point which makes me peanut butter and jealous.

Brick Phones: Just….stop it. Stop it right now. Cut it out. It’s over. Just…..stop it with your stupid face. Get with the times, people. If you owned a brick phone and your name was, oh I don’t know…Kate? You would be two thousand and Kate. And that’s worse somehow….so stop it.

Kate.I.Am

Kate.I.Am

Why I Hate my Best Friends Girlfriend

Ryan Brady Leave a comment

Is the title of a powerpoint presentation (Click through to see the whole thing)

Imagethat I wrote in 10 minutes on the afternoon of July 6th, 2010. It was stupid and not well thought out, but I was in the moment (it’s not fictional, I mean, most of the jokes are false but it was based on a real person) and I put it up on the internet without thinking twice. Everything before that post that I wrote had gone unnoticed. 5 likes or reblogs or whatever the internet uses as positive emotional currency these days – at the most. Many of the articles I wrote had 0 views. Unlike today when I average 20 views (which I love dearly and never take for granted btdubbs.)

At the time I hadn’t found Reddit yet so I was really REALLY into Stumbleupon. I Stumbled every which way. So…I finish the last slide. I put it up on College Humor. Put it up on StumbleUpon, and left my house. Didn’t tell a soul.

The next day I wake up and, on a whim, I check the number of views. 10,000.

……10,000!!!!!!! Not only did it BLOW THE F UP but people LIKED IT….sort of. Most of the people who liked it liked it enough to re-blog and press the thumbs up. Most of the people who hated it REALLY let the StumbleUpon and College Humor comment sections know. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. Needless to say many people thought I was “Gheyyy” and a “Jealous Faggot” or a “Gheyyylord Jealous Faggot” which made even less sense… Nonetheless, I was excited! For a few seconds.

My thought process at that very moment was in this order exactly: Holy shit people are reading this. Holy shit people like it! Holy shiiiiiit some people reallllly hate it……..holy shit…..I really hope that girl/my best friend doesn’t use StumbleUpon.

I was in a true predicament. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. Do I take the article down so there is no way they will find it or do I keep it up because…well…cause…10,000! There were two major issues here. The first was, if you read it you will realize, it has its moments but it’s far from a masterpiece. My original idea was that if they had ever broken up in front of me I would always be ready with it so I could say “OKKKKK, let’s go to the slides!” The file I uploaded was just a rough draft of that stupid thought.

The second problem was that every moment I wasn’t acting – it was growing. 20,000 came in 1.5 days. 50,000 in 3 days. 100,000 in 4 days. At that point it didn’t matter if I took it down – people were downloading the file and re-uploading it on blog sites and internet cesspools like funny junk. It was everywhere. 5 days in it hit 200,000 hits. And then Tumblr happened… At that point I hadn’t told anyone what was going on and none of my friends had found it. I was a complete wreck.

By day 6 you could go to Google and type in “Why I hate” and it would auto fill to “my best friends girlfriend.”

Yeah. I was so screwed. OH and to top it all off, THE FIRST SLIDE HAS MY STUPID FACE ON IT.

A few things happened around that time. I finally told my friends who weren’t the people mentioned in the powerpoint about its existence. They thought it was hilarious. I then told them about how it blew up on the internet. They didn’t believe me. I then showed them the StumbleUpon page, which then had about 300,000 views. Then they laughed their asses off. For the record, I was the only one not laughing and I hate my friends.

Over the next year of my life, the same thing would happen about three times a week. Someone would send me a text or a Facebook wall post saying, “Hey…is this you?!” with the link attached. Then if it was on Facebook I would run to the nearest computer (I still had a flip phone at the time) and delete the post. Sometimes I literally ran. With a recently broken ankle. Like a banshee. Thankfully no one who I didn’t want to see it ever did while I cared. Eventually I just gave up and waited for inevitable, which I should of done from the beginning but hey – can’t blame a guy for trying…well….you can…and you probably should. I know I would.

The moral of this story is that if you write something that has a malicious nature and should be seen by no one – don’t post it on the internet, you idiot.

Every now and again I see it. Here it the most popular one on Tumblr. Not originally posted by me. 100,000+ reblogs.

And here it is on a bunch of different sites:

http://joyreactor.com/post/542538

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/960470/Why/

http://www.nert.me/pictures.php?current_id=50

http://cheezburger.com/5685190656

http://www.strangebeaver.com/2011/12/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend/

http://angelaspinkyworld.blogspot.com/2010/10/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend.html

http://willbarnesonline.com/wordpress/2010/12/02/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend/

http://www.stumbleupon.com/content/2Oq2gu

The Google Search

It even inspired some others to create their own versions  that are incredibly similar.

There’s more, too. Lots more. Oh, and just to let you all know – The couple eventually split and I told the best friend about the Powerpoint. He laughed. Then I showed him that it had over a million views. Then he laughed until he cried.

Last time I checked, the original post had somewhere around 2 million views. The posts from other sites have about another million.

…Yeah. I know.

8 Recommendations for Every Day Life

Ryan Brady Leave a comment

I’m always looking for products and entertainment that will make my life more awesome, because without new stuff how will I know if my old stuff sucks or not? Exactly, I won’t.

I am by no means qualified to review products but I don’t actually believe anyone is so screw it; I’ll throw myself into the ring and see how it goes. I’ll try to pick things I don’t think most people have and or have seen/owned, and if it so happens you have already graced these objects or products with your presence or even worse, you hate them, then I don’t care and shut your face.

Movie: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

It didn’t do well in the box office and it has a generally annoying star (Michael Cera) but the director (Edgar Wright who also directed Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) is balls to the wall good at his job. I bought this blu-ray 30 minutes into watching someone else’s blu-ray instead of illegally downloading it so…yeah…pretty big stuff.

TV Show: Sherlock (BBC)

CBS recently premiered a show called Elementary based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories about the detective Sherlock Holmes. I watched it. It was okay. You know what’s not okay because it’s some of the greatest writing and acting to ever be put into the television format? The same god damn show that the BBC premiered in 2010.

Benedict Cumberbatch has the best name ever and plays Sherlock, an on and off addict and full time sociopath who solves the shit out of mysteries using deductive reasoning while his mistakenly homo life partner Dr. John Watson played by Martin Freeman gets dragged around and is charming in a best sidekick ever sort of way.

Also did I mention Martin Freeman is going to be fuckin’ Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit and Benedict Cumberbatch is slated to be both Kahn in the new Star Trek and Smaug in The Hobbit? I didn’t until right now? Crazy…SEE THIS SHOW

Food: Bacon and Meatloaf Wrap

If you’re a vegetarian I respect your decision but that sucks because this wrap is awesome. I’m not going to get into measurements because the only true way to measure during the food making process if with your eyes and your mouth. Also sometimes teaspoons.

For this wrap you’ll need:

Smoked Bacon – cooked crispy and ground up into small pieces

Meatloaf – cook in bacon grease if possible; sooo good.  You can also add stuff like onions, garlic, oregano, 3 tablespoons of extra prude olive oil, and black pepper

Cheddar Cheese– Melt that shit on top of the meatloaf

Russian Dressing– Oh my gawww soooo gooood. Basically it’s Mayo, Ketchup, and throw some horseradish, chives, and other shit in there. Or just buy it from the store like a normal human being. Thousand Island dressing is a decent backup in a pinch but just know that using it is total failure and you should reevaluate your poor life choices.

Caramelized Onions – Possibly the greatest invention since forever everything, read about making the tummy equivalent of striking oil here

Apple/Android Game: The Simpsons Tapped Out

               So okay, The Simpsons tricked me into playing Farmville, but this game got me through Super Nintendo Storm Sandy so I owe it an everlasting debt of gratitude.

Youtube Channels: Daily Grace, Mike Falzone, and VSauce

               For this I broke it into 2 categories which are comedy and learning shit. For Comedy check out Daily Grace and Mike Falzone and for accidental learning check out VSauce.

Grace, as her vlogs name suggests, makes a video every weekday and she is a lady who is just awkward enough to laugh with and not so awkward that you feel as though you should call the cops.

Mike Falzone is from the state I’m from and gives great advice that I wish I had said first.

VSauce tricks you into learning things and the guy who narrates the videos has the voice of a sex angel if you are into dudes who have cool voices.

Website: Rainy Mood

Have you ever thought the insanely generic thought, “Gosh I love thunder storms.” Well then you’re in luck! This website is a 20 minute loop of a fantastic rain and thunder track that you can play at different volumes! Ambient noise, guys! This is some highbrow shit!

If you want to take the experience from epic to super epic go to the bottom of the page and click the song choice that changes every time you visit the site. Personally I refresh the page until Bon Iver – Perth comes up but you can do whatever floats your metaphorical boat.

Book: Mine

There’s no way I wasn’t going to plug my own book. It’s sort of the entire point of this blog.

Music: Agnes Obel

Welcome to most relaxing shit of all time playa. This lady is straight outta Copenhagen, like a true Danish gangster. She plays piano and has a voice that could easily be put over every Indie movie you’ve ever seen. I highly recommend her for your ears. Also if you wanna get your funk in medium amounts of motion, check out the remix of her song Riverside.

So that’s it for my recommendations for now. If you guys liked it I’ll do it again, if you hate it we will never speak of it and it will hang an eerie awkwardness over our internet relationships for pretty much infinity. Sound good?

Good.