celebrity

7 Real Decisions to Make Your Life Better

Ryan Brady Leave a comment

1. Make something…

There is no joy in life like creating a thing that wasn’t previously a thing. Draw a picture. Take a picture. Paint with all the colors of the wind. Sew some cloth until you have a sweet hat ala Abraham Lincoln. Glue some stuff together. Pee in the snow. Build a chair. Duct tape a bottle opener to a knife. Write a song. Write a story. Start a blog. Get a journal and write anything down that is in your head. Be a creator of things. If you used to do some of these things and stopped because you don’t have the time, that is bull pucky. You’re just being lazy. You aren’t the President of the United States, you don’t have a schedule that spans into the coming months, you watch TV for hours sometimes. Take one of those hours and leave your mark on the world. A mark is a mark no matter how small. I think Dr. Seuss paraphrased that in some way.

2. When someone compliments you for whatever reason always start off with a smile and a thank you…

If you’re like me, getting complimented is nerve racking. I have no idea what to say back to someone being nice. It’s the weirdest. But as I’ve learned, when you are being complimented, it’s not all for you – in fact most of it is for the person doing the complimenting as it makes them feel better about themselves through genuine kindness. So just say thank you, smile, and remember next time that person does a kick flip or eats a pancake really fast to look them dead in the eyes and say, “You are good at that. Praise be to you.” You know, something a normal human being would say.

3. Pick up an instrument…

It’s never too late to put a tiny amount of effort into a musical instrument so that you can trick people into thinking you can play that one John Mayer song at a party. Breath gently into a harmonica enough and you could be the lead singer of Blues Traveler. If you can’t afford a real instrument, you could always learn to beatbox because most people have mouths. Just keep saying the phrase “boots and cats” a bunch of times in a row and you’re basically a master beat-boxer.

4. Get a pet…

Anything. Maybe it’s a hamster, maybe it’s a very pretty rock. Sometimes you need to add a life to yours in order to be living for something outside of yourself. Having to feed something that is too stupid to feed itself can be oddly rewarding. Get very literally any kind of pet that is legal where you live. Do not tell the police you have a Tiger because you read this article, though. You don’t know me. Also, if you already have a pet, look at it at least once a day and say, “I am doing a very good job at keeping you alive and the evidence of that is right in front of me. Because you’re still super good at moving and/or having a heart beat.”

5. Start being psyched about tiny things…

When you heat up a meal to the exact temperature your mouth wanted on the first try, be excited. When you almost drop a thing but then miraculously your cat like reflexes that are NEVER AROUND WHEN YOU NEED THEM kick in and you totally catch that shit. Also, when you dance by yourself naked in your room after your shower and you pulled off that moon walk thing better than you ever have before – Celebrate like your future career as a back up dancer for Prince depends on it.

6. Start using the term “Throwing Shade”…

…As often as possible to describe when you give someone a look that is straight up ferocious after they say words you don’t like. It just sounds cooler than “looking like a bitch.” Plus, Beyonce does it. Need I say more? Well, I’m not gonna, so there.

7. Be proud…

…Of what you accomplish but do not shove it into people’s faces against their will. I can’t tell you how many times people have made me rage quit Facebook because they are being showboaty dick bags. Sharing is important – Validation is needed – and your life deserves an open canvas for everyone to see – but if you don’t inject a bit of humility when you tell everyone about how awesome you are doing, they will straight up think you are a turd.

What Your Phone Says About You

Ryan Brady 1 Comment

96.5% of the United States population owns a cell phone. That means that no matter what age you are, there is a good chance your pocket feels like it’s vibrating from time to time but no one is trying to contact you – take solace in the fact that it’s just your body being a dick.

Without trying to make a vacuuming generalization (I hate sweeping generalizations but I have to call them something) – the mobile phone is without a doubt in the top 5 best inventions of all time. In fact here is my top 5 for future reference:

5. The Telephone (But let’s be serious, The Mobile Phone is where it’s at. Suck it Alexander Graham Bell.)

4. Antibiotics (What up disease.)

3. The Printing Press (Or as I like to call it, Microsoft Word’s Great Grandpapa)

2. The Clock (More precisely the concept of telling time. And for the record, If you’re still using sundials you are so two thousand and late)

1. The Toilet (No invention has saved more lives. Seriously. Look it up. And later check out water.org – dropping human waste removal knowledge like it’s hot.)

But back to my point – I know many people, including myself, who live and die by their phone. Hell, if my phone’s battery is at 20% battery by 9pm on a Friday night I’m most likely having a panic attack. That’s not even a joke. It actually happens.

Similar to every major industry, diversification helps to drive private and public companies toward better, more technologically advanced phones as time goes on. (That would be my beginning sentence if I was writing a High School term paper about the telephone. Holler at my English teachers.)

In layman terms – every time some dude from Apple Bottom Jeans or MicroSofties gets up on stage and tells us they’re holding THE NEXT BIG THING – everyone else in the business takes it as a challenge to, not just make the next next big thing, but to make THE big thing. This only bodes well for us, the consumers. Personally I want all of the fun things and if it turns out all of the fun things are super-duper amazing, then I’d say I’m better off. (And as those same English teachers from before cringe, I take a bow.)

Pulling from the list of top mobile phone sales by year on the all seeing all knowing website Wikipedia, I’ll break down what owning a specific phone model says about you.

Ebony and Ivory

The iPhone 5: It’s the last product our buddy Steve worked on before he checked out for good. It’s taller. It’s thinner. It has a camera that everyone tells me is better although I think they might be yanking my chain on that one. Owning the newest iPhone is like owning the newest car. It doesn’t mean you’re better than me…but at the same time it sorta does…but whatever. I’ll tomahawk your ass, you don’t even know!!

iPhone 4 or 4s: “I don’t know what the big deal is with the new one. This one is working just fine. Like,  I get an upgrade that makes the future iPhone like, one billion dollars instead of two billion dollars in like seventy years, so like, I’ll figure it out then…ya know?….Like.” Says everyone ever.

Older iPhones: You’re either in college or homeless. Or both.

The Galaxy: ohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh shut up

Samsung Galaxy: We get it. Apple fanbois are lame and it’s so nice to be thinking outside the box with your Android phone. Again – I’ll reiterate because it’s so important. We. Get. It. You’re unique! You’re an individual! Also 80 million other people bought these phones so you might want to find a bigger bandwagon to jump on that doesn’t have as many insufferable people.

220px-Samsung_Galaxy_Note

Note the Piece of plastic that people with fingers find extra useless

Samsung Galaxy Note: Anything that comes with a stylus these days is horrible. Promptly throw it out.

Any HTC Phone: These phones are like early in life relationships – they go through phases. First is the cupcake phase where everyone is jolly and the world is a new and brighter place. Then the complacency sets in. Maybe sometimes you get the stink lens because you get caught looking at other phones. You get accused of not touching the screen the way you did when you first brought it home. Maybe you love it but you’re not “in” love with it. It shuts down without warning. Its mood freezes up for absolutely no reason. It’s a giant bitch who cheats on you and then it’s somehow YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT!!!!!!!!! …….Umm…Maybe just get another phone.

Ever notice how Crackberry and Crackbaby are eerily similar words? Photo: http://aquanhaphoto.com

Crackberry: If you ever want an accessory to make it look like you are constantly late for a meeting – this is it. You are now considered old school with your physical buttons and your little ball or arrows that do gosh knows what. Seeing “Sent from my Blackberry” is now like seeing an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker. It’s so rare; it might as well be extinct.

Motorola – Nokia – LG – ZTE – ETC: You might think ETC stands for some phone brand. It doesn’t. It stands for etcetera – although that would be a great brand name. PATENT PENDING. – All of these different companies have a lot in common. They run some form of Android and/or their own operating systems. They think “apps” is still a word people care about. They have phones the size of tablets but they refuse to call them that because they’re edgy.

I for one look forward to our new toaster overlords

These are the phones you’ll walk into a Radio Shack or a Verizon/AT&T ETC (patent pending) store and the salesman will be pushing on that random day to meet their quota. Sales people will tell you things like, “the screens are so clear that you can watch movies on them! OhMyGherd!” You can literally watch movies on anything these days. There are freaking toasters that play videos now. Your weird phone isn’t special.

Flip Phones: You’re super lame but you also still have the ability to slam your phone shut when you’re trying to make a point which makes me peanut butter and jealous.

Brick Phones: Just….stop it. Stop it right now. Cut it out. It’s over. Just…..stop it with your stupid face. Get with the times, people. If you owned a brick phone and your name was, oh I don’t know…Kate? You would be two thousand and Kate. And that’s worse somehow….so stop it.

Kate.I.Am

Kate.I.Am

Perceived Flawlessness: An Absolute Curse

Ryan Brady 1 Comment

I’m not saying I’m the one who is flawless. I’m literally laughing out loud at the thought. I’m LOLing…I assure you I just LOLed.

No, I’m talking about peoples view of celebrities – and at the moment the best example is the insane fandom that Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence is getting. People either claim she is flawless or fat, there is no in the middle. The middle is a boring area that us real people live within. The celebrity world, to us, is full of extremes that we must needlessly magnify with blog posts and gifs.

When someone claims something or someone is flawless it makes me cringe. In my eyes, your flaws are what makes you the person you are. Every single thing you don’t like about yourself and every little detail the world perceives to be wrong with you can be the catalysts for your entire character arch.Now I’m talking as if we are all players and all the world is our stage. (What up Shakespeare)

Some of the best stories have characters who are perceived to be perfect just as the world learns of their flaws. They subsequently become a social pariah and then through internal development, the prove themselves to be worth it; not to the rest of the world, but to themselves.

We want to live in this fantasy land where celebrity is something to strive for – because status is everything and we are all just playing the game. But I guarantee you, if you ask people like Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Watson etc if they are flawless, they will laugh in your face, and rightfully so.

My favorite people take their flaws and turn them back on the world. They use every advantage they can bestow upon themselves. If this life is a game and we are all players, flawlessness is not victory. Victory is being awesome, even with the long list of problems you might have. Because everyone has problems – but only some people have the charisma and moxie to laugh them off and live.