Listen to it all, right now!

Harry Potter. Dungeons and Dragons. Podcasts. Me.

If you like those four things this post is for you. If you don’t like those four things, then I bid you farewell and hope you have a stellar day.

For the past two years I have been writing and producing the first season of a podcast called Nothingstar Academy, the premise of which is: What if Hogwarts was a school for DnD characters instead?

It’s the most amount of work I’ve put into anything ever. And as with every creative endeavor I’ve ever set out upon my friends said yes to me every time I asked for their help along the way. Which was and continues to be a lot.

Nothingstar is a primary school representing the region of New England for murder hobos set in the real world, unbeknownst to real people.

The podcast is a bi-monthly news program run by the editor of the school newspaper, The Daily Vagabond, documenting the goings on at the school including all feasts, rituals, sporting events, prophecy progress, and of course keeping a very special eye on the evil forces slowly but surely taking over the school and the world.

Below is the script for the finale if you’re interested in comparing page to product. Thanks to everyone who listened this year. Thank you to my friends for your undying support. Cya September 1st for the Season 2 Premiere.

The Battle of Nothingstar 

(Justin) Gio: Relax. We’re not live yet,  just give that pigeon a piece a’ kraken tenderloin to refuel it and we’ll be good to go. 

(Spenny) Lorenzo: The Kraken?! That’s our last piece and you’re gonna give it to a dumb bird? Why not just shove a water chestnut up its ass and call it a day. 

*SPORTSCENTER INTRO SOUNDS* 

Gio: Oh shit, turns out, we have been live this whole time and we’re totally boned. 

Lorenzo: Okay little pidgeys it’s your time to shine. Go up there with your lil holo cams on your precious lil heads and get us them good good camera angles, okay? 

Gio: FLY YOU FOOLS 

*Pigeons fly away* 

Apto: THIS. IS. DRAGONBALLLLLLL and I am APTOOOO FLINTCLAWWWW!

Toga: Greetings and Salutations – welcome one and all to the 2022 Dragonball World Series brought to you by Vagabond Mobile here at the newly constructed Nothingstar Stadium. I am Saratoga Random Dent Jones but my one friend calls me Jonesey. 

Apto: The championship is finally happening, Tuna! After a 17 match bracket that saw the Nothingstar Sloths beat Rwenzori Heights and The Blackwater School beat The House of the Spark in the Final 4, we have reached the championship AND I AM SO EXCITED. 

Toga: That’s right we have Helja Blackwater and the Blackwaters vs Oslo Santiago and the Nothingstar Sloths facing off today for World Dragonball supremacy. Stay tuned as we interview the stars of the show as well as try our best not to brag too much about finally being the Liar’s Dice World Champion. 

Apto: Wait…am I the liars dice world champion? 

Toga: You are not. I am. 

Apto: Are you sure? 

Toga: Did you win the Liar’s Dice Championships yesterday against Helja Blackwater with the ingenious plan concocted by myself and Magnus Peppercorn to never lie the entire time? I think not. That was me. The goddamn champion. 

Apto: If you say so – but I still feel like it was me. 

Toga: Wonderful. So – Apto – Do you have any predictions as to how the match will go today? 

Apto: OSLO SANTIAGOOOOOOOOOOOO needs to care – like, at all, about this match. If he does, Nothingstar will DESTROY BLACKWATER. And if he doesn’t Blackwater will win again – they are very good at this game. 

Toga: For those of us who know nothing about this game or how it’s played perhaps you can describe that in detail for us? 

Apto: I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU PLEBS – Dragonball is a 11v11 knockdown drag out battle to the death, or, a game that ends in 20 minutes and whomever has the most points wins, whichever comes first. 

There are 3 attackers, 3 midfielders, 3 defense, 1 goalie, and 1 Dragon Tamer who does jack shit most of the time – and they all compete 50 feet in the air upon dragonflies the size of, well, me! hahahahahaa

From there you throw a ball and try to put it through the goal although it is important to note that the ball absolutely hates you. 

If all three balls are put back in the box before the end of the game by the dragon tamers a giant dragon comes out of the box and eats everyone on the other team………. the end. 

Toga: That was…very clear and I understood all of it. 

Gio: Get the pigeons to do a swoopy thing Zo – the interviews are about to start. 

Zo: I’m swoopin’ here! 

Toga: Uh – guys – I can hear you in my ear but you’re also broadcasting yourselves onto the main feed so if you could, I don’t know, not do that hahah 

Apto: No! Let the giant rats stay! This is a complete shit show, might as well embrace the poopy. 

Gio: Swoop there it is, babyyyyy. 

*Pigeons swoop in* 

Apto: And now here with us is Helja Blackwater – Helja are you sad you lost the liar’s dice championships yesterday to me and will that affect your dragonball game here today? 

Helja: Who doesn’t lie in a liar’s dice game, Toga? It’s like…the whole thing. You’re washed. Complete horse shit – and no it won’t affect me in the slightest – I’m going to crush these idiots and bring home the cup again for Blackwater. 

Toga: *cough* You lost *cough*, oh – we also have Oslo Santiago, star Nothingstar Dragonball player and shifty high elf here – same question to you. 

Oslo: Jes. 

Toga: Yes? Yes, what? Does that mean you believe you’re going to win? 

Oslo: No….but also….Jes. 

Toga: This has been illuminating and I’m glad I agreed to do this. We also have here French Bulldog goalie Genimax and Baby Ninja Turtle Attacker slash Vagabond Mobile Developer slash the sponsor of today’s event, Gilcrest Stankbagel. 

Gilcrest: Vagabond Mobile, now available on everyone’s holopads! Send me money, you idiots! 

Apto: Genimax – who do you think is going to win today? 

Genimax: It is very likely the game does not end, the dark council attacks, and we are all lying in pools of our own blood in say – 30 minutes from now. 

Apto: That is AWESOME I LOOK FORWARD TO MURDERING PEOPLE. MURDER AND DRAGONBALL ARE MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS. 

Gilcrest: Make sure to put in the coupon code I AM A DUMB ASS – all caps – to send 500 coins straight to me upon purchase – and go dragonball! 

Genimax: Goodbye to my family. 

Toga: Augustus Dragonball – Okay. 

Apto: Hey Tuna, do you think what Genimax said will actually happen? 

Toga: Nah – I’m sure it’s chill – oh and Phineas Whistlepig is here to perhaps update us on that very fact. 

Phineas: *Snorts* Better start this game soon! Also I hope you have your weapons on you, you’re definitely going to need them. 

*Spencer and Zander yelling at each other from afar* 

Zo: Gio! Do a zoomy swoop in on the stands – some primo reality TV is happening up there between the two Thundersnake brothers and you know I love my stories. 

*Swoop*

Spencer: It’s happening, Zander. I know Dad talked to you. So – Once shit starts to pop off just know that I’m going for the artifact with or without you. Stop being a little puss, pick up your Thundersnake rune blade, and be by my side – where you’re supposed to be. 

Zander: First off puss is a derogatory term that Taylor Swift would disavow immediately, so maybe come correct on that one. 

*Phone beeps – not mentioned* 

Spencer: Shit, you’re right my bad. But that doesn’t change the fact that if you don’t join us today Dad is gonna kill you. Or he’s going to have me do it and I like, totally will dude. 

Zander: Spencer. I don’t CARE I will NEVER pick up a thundersnake blood rune blade again. I’ve made up my mind! Sorta!  

*Phone beeps again*

Zander: So, shove it up your poop shoot and also god damnit make your phone stop beeping, that’s so annoying 

Spencer: Don’t worry about my phone, that shit isn’t your concern. And suit yourself, nobody likes you, you’re a disgrace to the blood rune anyway, fuck the fuck off.

Zo: Now zoom in on Onyx Surge, Gio, he’s creepily listening to all of this, and making a face like oh hey, how bout’ that?    

Gio: Don’t tell me how to direct you rat fuck, I can do it without you chirping in my ear. OH, screw Onyx, go to the field, Grigory and Korter are almost done sweeping – that is the good stuff. 

Zo: Sweeping montage INCOMING! 

*Swoop* 

Grigory: Well, as per usual Korter you’ve been no help whatsoever. I’ve been going non stop for days now tirelessly getting the pitch ready – and you’ve just been standing next to me playing games on your holopad like a jackass. 

Korter: We’re both in this game Grigory, how can I not send Gilcrest money to unlock us?! 

Grigory: Oh my gods – it’s very simple. Just…DON’T?!  *to himself* Calm down Grigory. Keep the pain inside. Watch Rudy again and keep the pain inside. 

*Phone beeps again from afar*

TOGA AND APTO: GAME BEGINS – ONE MINUTE OF COMMENTATING

*Large noise of electricity pulsating, slight crack*

Gio: What in the shit is that? 

Zo: I don’t know but fuck this game  – pan up to the bubble and zoom in ya dingus.

Gio: You can also move the cameras ya fuckin’ putz, if you wanna do something just do it, you don’t need me over here holdin’ your rat dick. 

Zo: You’re such a grumpy Gus, here, eat this capybara pie Naemar gave me. 

Gio: Oooo let the exotic meats flow through me! OOP – I see a wild Judas Cradle in the stands heading over to Headmaster Whistlepig – split screen that shit! 

*Electric Pulse happens again, this time louder – more cracking* 

Judas: Headmaster – ya see the bubble – how it’s pulsating purple, has huge cracks in it, and how there are a bunch of bloodied body parts scraping down the sides? If you want my expert opinion, that’s hella bad.

Phineas: Thank you for that insight Judas. I trust you have your chainsaw on you? 

Judas: Do I have my chainsaw? Are you kidding me? Do every one of my farts contain an entire nugget of poopy? Both answers are obviously yes. *Chainsaw revs* Come and get me coppers! 

*The electric Pulse happens again and again and again  as the bubble shatters and water starts to rush in* 

Gio: Holy shit the school’s protective barrier just shattered! 

Zo: Gio – What happens if we lose this impending fight and then the dark council breaks into the directing tent and kills us too? 

Gio: Well Zo, I suppose in that instance we gobble our final gool and then kiss our rat asses goodbye. Also zoom in on the oncoming horrors, this is some dank ass shit. 

Phineas: *casting a spell* Protego ButForRealThough!  *Magic – water flowing fades out* TOGA, GET THE FUCK OVER HERE. 

Toga: Headmaster! The Dark Council is attacking! 

Phineas: Yeah no shit, I told everyone this was gonna happen so many times. We had an entire assembly about it. 

Toga: What do we do?!

Phineas: I’m going to keep the River at bay because I’m a very powerful gnome – you round everyone up and begin to FIGHT YOU FUCK! FIGHT FOR YOUR SHITTY FUCKING LIFE! 

Toga: Uhhhhhh right. Okay. Got it. 

Spencer: It’s now or never Zander. Dad is here and I’m going for the Nothingstar. Don’t try and stop me! 

Zander: You sound like you want me to stop you. 

Spencer: Don’t you do it! I’ll have to stay here and fight you instead if you try to stop me by just saying the word stop! 

Zander: Uh …okay… stop? 

Spencer: Wow you’ve really done it now. You’ve left me no choice but to not go get the Nothingstar and to fight you instead. 

Zander: O…kay? *SHING* OH SHIT you tried to hit me with your blood rune blade! You know I gave up my initial class of blood hunter a year ago and my dex stats are incredibly low now! 

Spencer: You should, like, I don’t know, get your blade maybe and also like, just remember how to be a blood hunter – that shit doesn’t just go away – so this is, like, a fair fight or whatever.

Zander: I will never use our families blades ever again so kill me you puss. 

Spencer: Hey! Don’t disrespect T-Swizzles by putting down all women with your words like I did moments ago! *SHING* 

Onyx: Headmaster Whistlepig! They’ve come, and right on time. 

Phineas: Yes. Time. Time is an interesting thing Onyx . We all have to decide what to do with the time that is given to us – and right now – the time is yours. 

Onyx: Phineas? 

Phineas: Kel. This is your time. Take what is yours. Let out the beast within! Find your father. And kill that son of a bitch! 

Onyx: Okay – sure, but first, I’d like to give you my letter of resignation. 

Phineas: IS THIS THE BEST TIME FOR THAT YOU THINK KEL? STOP HIDING YOUR TRUE FORM AND GET THE FUCK OUT THERE. 

Onyx: Right. Of course… I always knew this day would come. Where vengeance was at my fingertips. Where my real identity would be revealed. Where my destiny would-

Phineas: DUDE. NOT A TIME FOR MONOLOGUING. GO! 

*A beast hollers in the distance* 

Onyx: What…what was that?? 

Phineas: That would be Terry, a 50 foot tall 130 ton lizard monster who is a very good boy – but probably not so much today. NOW GO! 

*Transformation sounds – elephant whinny* 

Kel: Ah, yes. My true form. Kel – the Loxodon – a 9 foot tall bipedal elephant, the last of my kind, and an identity I’ve been hiding for a decade to escape my torrid past –

Phineas: WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT MONOLOGUING?! 

Kel: Right – my bad. Are you going to be good, holding up the sea? 

Phineas: Not for long – so have a sense of urgency, you moron.  

Kel: K – will do – uh, brb. *elephant noise – charge* 

Zo: Woah! The Librarian guy is hacking and slashing at a buncha book worms while crying hysterically alongside a bunch of sexually adventerous trophies that have broken out of the sloth common room, gimme a close up!

Gustaf Frintz: IF YOU WONT BE WITH ME YOU WILL BE IN THE GROUND – WE HAD SOMETHING – I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUU HIVE MIND OF WORMSSSS

Worms: *ensemble improv* 

Trophies: I give you all consent to kick some worm ass! *Trophy Improv*

Gio: Ooooookay, nuff of that.

Zo: Yeah I PUKED, I hated it. 

Gio: OH Judas is fighting a giant ant with a chainsaw and OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK 

Gonna BeBigington: I – Gonna BeBigington – King of the Ants who were once small but now are big – claim Nothingstar as my own! 

Judas: Like fuck you will. *Chainsaw revs* 

Gonna BeBigington: Oh shit, my thorax! HA! That wound ain’t shit, Judas. It’ll grow back, we are still out here chillin. Take this! *Swipe* 

Judas: Oh shit, my torso! It’ll grow back, we are also out here chillin. Oh… wait… nope. Nope it will not. That’s a lot of blood. Well – I’m out. *dying noises* 

Zo: That ant just karate chopped Judas in half! This fuckin’ rules. AND the three primary members of the Dark Council are now entering the battlefield with a mind controlled legion created for the sole purpose of our destruction – gonna do a sweet 360 drone shot on that. Hard Zoom on Gax, Shay, and Xan! 

Xan: Prepare for trouble. 

Gax: And make it double. 

Shay: Try triple you idiot – you’re supposed to be a genius Gax – do literally any math. 

*Terry roars* 

Shay: Yes Terry you don’t have to be here for our bad guy intro thing, go and murder at will. 

*Terry roars again – excited – stomps off* 

Xan: Are we good now? Can I finish?

Shay: Oh my god just say your stupid words, we have an artifact to steal and a world to rule. 

Xan: To unite all monsters with mind control. 

Gax: To alleviate all creatures of their cursed souls. 

Shay: To denounce all good within this World. 

Xan: To finally find a word that rhymes with World. 

Gax: Gax the Mad Scientist. 

Shay: Lady Shay. 

Xan: And I, Xan the Beholder. Surrender now or prepare to fight! 

Gax: Can they really just surrender? 

Shay: No – they can not. 

Xan: OH MY GOD Hurled rhymes with world. Shit fuck. I JUST thought of that. 

Gax: And hurled does makes narrative sense – people yak around me all the time. 

Shay: That’s because you smell like a pile of a thousand dead babies. 

Xan: Gottem – nice. Anyway – both of you take your legions and do what you do best. Pillage and murder – you know the drill…… And you can leave Phineas to me. 

Shay: No, I got the gnome. *Flies away* 

Xan: Oh, what?! Okay….. Fine. Whatever. I’ll fight Kel the Loxodon – our old laboratory assistant who has been in hiding to forget his torrid past. 

Kel: Hello father. 

Gax: Hello son….no longer hiding your true form, I see. I’d say I was proud of you, but I am not. I am, as always, disgusted. 

Kel: Today is the day you DIE OLD MAN! *Elephant charge – hit – fighting* 

Xan: Oh, what the fuck? So like…what do I do? Oh – I got it! I’ll kill the Thundersnake boys. 

Duncan Thundersnake: You leave them to me. 

Xan: Oh, Duncan, you scared the shit out of me – were you there the whole time? 

Duncan: ….Yes. *charges away.* 

Xan: Well, shit. Maybe I’ll just watch, I guess? Watching is cool. Lots of blood over there. That’s very cool.…..Looookin….good. Ohhhhhh – now …..what do we have here???? It seems we have a very lost boy on the field….Saratoga Random Dent Jones. NO ONE CALL KILLING HIM OR I’LL FUCKIN MELT YOU WITH MY DEATH BEAM… He’s mine.  *evil laugh – floating noise away*  

Gio: Alright we know where Xan is going but Tuna doesn’t know he’s coming – should we tell him, or? 

Zo: No. Definitely not – but zoom in on Tuba so we can see him die. 

Gio: Yes – that’s the best plan. Pass me that Ostrich filet. All this terrorism is making me hungry. 

*swoop*

Toga: Apto! Are you alright?! 

Apto: BOTH MY SHITTY LEGS ARE GONE TUNA – 5 Demogorgons BIT THEM OFF, BUT NOT BEFORE I IMPALED THEM WITH MY DWARF CORPSE – ALL MY BLOOD IS ON THE OUTSIDE AND THAT IS NOT WHERE IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! 

Toga: Oh my god – is there anything I can do? 

Apto: You can literally fucking heal me, Tuna! 

Toga: Oh, right – right. *Magic* 

Apto: Perfect now I’ll just stand up – *falls over*  Oh what the shit, Tuna? 

Toga: You’re not bleeding anymore but I can’t make your legs come back! 

Apto: Then what fucking good are you?! 

Toga: I saved your life!

Apto: You want a pat on the back you shit bird?? FIND ME SOME GODDAMN ROBOT LEGS. 

Toga: Uhhh uhhhh okay – I….I don’t know how to accomplish that – but I’ll try. 

Judas: (ghost ) Hey guys! I’m a ghost now – Look! I have a ghost chainsaw that I’m fighting other ghosts with! *ethereal chainsaw revs* 

Apto: Does that actually work?! 

Judas: Oh yeah – they disintigrage and go straight to the 9th level of hell the moment I slash into them – being a ghost fuckin’ rules. 

Apto: WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME DIE TUNA I COULD HAVE BEEN A SUPER SWEET GHOSTY. 

Toga: I could kill you now, ass hole, is that what you want? 

Apto: *le sigh* Ugh – I guess not. Hand me that scimitar though I’m gonna hobble around on my stumps and chop mind controlled idiots down and then eat their heads.  *hands over weapon* 

Judas: *ghost* Aight Imma go keep ghost sawing – check in with y’all later! Come over here you transparent ass bitch and GET SOME. *flies away* 

Gio: Xan sure is taking his fuckin’ time – go back to the Thundersnakes to see what they’re doing.

Zo: Hey Gio, do the Thundersnake’s voices sound familiar to you? 

Gio: Nope. Zero percent. 

*Swoop*

Spencer: *really broken up about this shit* Just get out your blade! PLEASE. 

Zander: NO. I will DIE before I go back on that rash decision I made a year ago that I kinda sorta regret every day. You and daddy can FUCK. YOUR. SELVES. – 

*Crash*

Zander: Oh shit, hey dad. Sup?

Duncan: Spencer – you’re not heading for the artifact. Am I to believe you’ve gone soft like a flaccid penis and given into the will of your chicken hearted ginger snap of an older brother? 

Zander: The fuck? 

Spencer: Uh no sir – I’ll go get it right now sir – but um, just so I know  – when I leave what are you going to do to Zander? 

Duncan: Well – I think that’s pretty obvious, son. Use context clues and stop wasting my time. Off you go. 

Spencer: Um. Yeah. Sure. Okay. Uh – Zander….it’s. Um. It was nice. Ya know. Like. Having you. As like. My brother. Or whatever. 

Zander: You too, dude. And for future reference. There are like, 400 bags of cool ranch doritos in my room if you want them – oh and also the magical yankee candle train – I told Toga I returned it but I ain’t no bitch. 

Spencer: *laughs* Nice dude. Anyway, I … guess I’ll be goin –

Duncan: Zander… I should have done this a long time ago. 

*SHING* 

Zander: Oh shiiiiiii-

Spencer: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

*CLANG* 

Duncan: Spencer – what are you doing? *Hit* 

Spencer: Uhh saving Zander? I guess? *HIT* *Spencer gets fuckin hit hard noise, also hits the ground – don’t punch him this time JR lul* 

Duncan: FINE – I’M SICK OF THIS. BOTH OF YOU CAN FUCKING EAT IT – I DON’T CARE. HAVING CHILDREN WAS YOUR MOTHERS SHITTY IDEA ANYWAY. YOU FIRST SPENNY BOI. *SHING* 

Zander: ALSO NOOOOOOOO!

*CLANG CLANG CLANG *

Duncan: DIE! 

Spencer: *sword hits the ground* Oh no, my sweet ass fucking sword! 

Zander: No one is allowed to kill Spencer, unless…it’s….ME! – I’ll take this.  * Pick up weapon and then SHING SHING CLANG SHING WAHHHHH – Duncan and Zander fighting noises* 

Duncan: *dying noises* Oh my word. You did it. You picked up a Thundersnake rune blade once more. Somehow I always knew my soft pensisd son would chop me the fuck in half but I always figured it would be Spenny… *more dying noises* Boys…take care of your sister. She needs you. 

Spencer: What about mom? 

Duncan: Let that vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape die for all I care. Like I’m gonna do. Right now. *Dies* 

Spencer: Dude! You killed Dad! 

Zander: I know, it was sick and like, way easier than I had dreamt like 900 times. Are you good? 

Spencer: No, that douche bag clipped my leg real bad – I can’t walk. But – you have my blood rune blade now and you gotta get out there, it’s not looking good. Apto is literally stump surfing and biting people’s knees and that’s all we have going for us. 

Apto: *from afar* Kneel before me peasants!  *SHING – BITE*

Zander: Okay – but if I’m going to do this. We gotta do… the thing 

Spencer: I thought we agreed to never do… the thing…. ever again. 

Zander: Well – these are extenuating circumstances – all of our aquaintences are out there getting smacked the fuck around.  

Spencer: Giving you all my powers with a super sick fusion dance would be what T Swift would want me to do, so… I guess I’m in.

Zander: Good. Here’s your sword. *pass weapon – makes a blood rune attunement noise*

Spencer: Oh cool, my sweet fucking sword. 

Zander: And I’ll use dads. *makes a blood rune attunement noise*

Spencer: Ew, gross. Okay – a good ole fashioned Fusion Dance – for old times sake. Do you think this will work with you holding dad’s sword instead of yours? 

Zander: Only one way to find out. 

Spencer & Zander: *MAGIC SWIRLS* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUSION-HA! *Magic hit* 

Spencer: *depleted* It worked! You have all my strength and powers, and you’re a bloodhunter again! … What should I do now? \

Zander: *swing swing* *blood hunter voice* Stay safe – maybe play dead? 

Spencer: How’s this *plays dead* 

Zander: Less noise probably. 

Spencer: Okay, how bout this? *does the same thing* 

Zander: *grunts disapprovingly – runs off* 

Spencer: Okay, later dawg! …..*Improv about 10 seconds of bleeding and being in pain – fighting happening all around you, and then* Oh shit. The dragonballs from the game are all on the ground over there. Hmm. *crawling*  Crawlinggggg hurts my skiiiiiin, my wounds they will not healllllllll- 

Gio: The Gax Onyx battle is coming to a head – quick pan babyyyyy

Gilcrest: *from afar* Haha Gio said head.

Steve: *from afar* Bark! 

Zo: His name is Kel now. 

Gio: Augustus Dragonball, I’ll call him buttercup if he wants me to but not right now pan to the guy why don’t ya – also pass me that sliced moose nut. 

Zo: Herrrrrrrre ya go and PAN! 

*Swoop*

Kel: *tired AF* Ya know….it’s taken me many years…but I don’t blame you for what you did to me. 

Gax: Don’t care. 

Kel: I chose to do what you wanted for so long because I wanted – no – I needed your love. 

Gax: I’m not listening – I’m not listening! 

Kel: But that was wrong. I was wrong. You committed a genocide in front of my eyes. And…Someone has to make you pay for that. And it might as well be me. 

Gax: Blah blah blah blah shut the fuck up. I am not going to pay for anything and you will admit to me right now you enjoyed every second of it. You loved innocent eyes fading and going to black. 

You yearned to be the hands around the throats of the sorry sacks I suffocated with my weird umbilical cord that comes out of my big ole tum and just kinda drags on the ground wherever I go. 

Kel: You’re right. I did. 

Gax: You….what? I didn’t expect you to just say you did, that’s fuckin crazy – You’re a psycho. I mean, I’m a psycho but like, that’s what I’m supposed to be. You’re Kel – the last of the Loxodons – flailing orphan with daddy issues with me, your daddy, that looks like an albino poop someone took after 20 years of constipation when they only ate goop and bile sandwiches and then came to life. 

Kel: I loved every second of it, father. And that is a shame I will carry with me from this life to the next. 

Gax: Which for the record is gonna be in like 10 seconds – OH FUCK *BLUNT OBJECT HITS HIM* Ya caught me slippin’! Oh shoot, you’re wrapping my umbilical cord around my own neck! Poetic justice! Oooo, now you’re forcing me to the ground – kinda weird! What you doing you tub a lard string bean lookin’ mother fucker. Now you fucked up! You have fucked up now!  *wkuk ref*

Kel: Hey dad. 

Gax: Uh – yeah? 

Kel: I’m gonna sit on you now and suffocate you with my ass hole. 

Gax: That tracks. 

*Slam Gax into the ground – suffocating noises – Kel lights up a bogie and exhales* 

Kel: Now you’re Gax the Dead Scientist. 

Gio: That was bonker sauce- 

Zo: Oh boy – we got a lot going on – time for a fast paced montage! 

Gio: You got it! 

*Swoop*

*MUSIC HITS as we fly around the battlefield – every cut is a swoop, intercut Spennys song*

• Apto Improv
  • Fighting and Introduces Genimax to the battle 
    • Tank Murderfist also there
• Judas Improv 
• Zander Improv
• Spenny Improv 
  • Crawling in my skin is the structure of this montage – always going back to it
    • I yearn for Toga’s healssss
    • Daddys dead and gone 
    • The dragon I’ll revealllllll
• Grigory/Korter Improv 
• Oslo Improv
  • Jes – I am here, btw. 
  • Going back and forth to each side based on who he thinks is winning 
  • Maybe he has a conversation with Spenny
    • Whatcha doing? Trying to release the dragon? 
      • Uh – yeah. 
        • Tonight. I’m gonna go get the Nothjingstar for Master Xan. 
          • You do you, king. Fear is howwwww I fallll – our fusion danceeee was cooooolllll. CRAWLINGGGG-
• Ralph the Bridge the Troll Improv – within the fight 
• Twister in the booth
  • I’m here to hack the bubble – make it stronger! 
    • Gio and Zo tell him it’s already dead 
      • Alright – well, I’m out. Later haters. 
        • That guys hat and sunglasses combo was next level cool 
• Panda Sneeze Exploder setting off an explosive improv 
• Blep fighting 
• Dust Bunnies, Attack! *noises*
• The Rot Troll enters the fight 
• *lets go arrow* I’m Deadeye Crawford and I never miss. 
• Arthur Stratton Improv 
• Nistion surfaces – Improv 
• MONTAGE ENDS WITH: Kel walks up to Phineas 

Kel: I can take it from here, Phineas. *MAGIC* 

Phineas: What about Gax? 

Kel: I sat on him. 

Phineas: haha cool. 

Kel: They really need your help out there. 

Phineas: I know *Terry roars in the distance – Lady Shay stabs someone through the stomach – dying noises* 

Lady Shay: Come on Terry – let’s go visit daddy. 

Terry: (in tarrasque) yay! 

Phineas: For now they’re gonna have to fend for themselves. I have something I have to take care of. *scurries off* And get someone to find Toga! He must be protected! 

Kel: The worm?!?! Why??? Sir – you’re scurrying away – I would strongly advise you don’t do that –  everyone is dying *teleport noise* – annnnnd he’s gone. Cool. I’ll just hold up a river after I killed my dad, a pretty big traumatic experience, AND, no good job Kel, by the way? No – ya know what, no – I’m just trying to replace Gax with Phineas – I have to be my own dad now and FUCK this river is heavy. 

Gio: Xan has to have gotten to Toga by now what the shit has he been doing? 

Zo: He stopped to have a margarita. 

Gio: A what?! 

Zo: I know! 

Gio: Does he have more?!? 

Zo: Go out onto  the battleground and see. *Door opens and closes*  I didn’t mean to really do that! Gio!?!? GIO?>!!>?!> Get me one too! Salt on the rim! NO ICE DON’T YOU DARE PUT ICE IN THAT SHIT! 

*Swoop*

Toga: Okay – kinda lost at what do now *dodge* SACRED FLAME – I guess I just keep lighting people on fire? TOLL THE DEAD – and hope for the best. 

*ZAP – gets hit – hits the ground* 

Toga: *hurt* What…what just happened? 

Vehemas: Xan just shot at you, and then I tackled you from the top ropes and saved your little shitty life and now you owe me forever, Toga HAHAHAHAHA

Toga: Vehemas! Holy shit! Thank you. 

Vehemas: Ew – don’t hug me that’s gross – being out of the water is weird and terrible – I gotta go find a puddle or something also I lost my pal Mannix the King of the Leprechauns in the mix at some point, but I have to go find a puddle to put my mouth on so I don’t die. If you see Mannix tell him I’m suckin bubbles to stay alive. Oh and look btdubbs – Xan is here. 

Xan: Saratoga Random Dent Jones. 

Vehemas: Okay good luck byeeeee *coins – vehemas walks away, fading out* Oh hey Mannix – what?! No, I saved Toga’s life but then left him to die and now I’m finding a puddle to put my mouth on  – it has been a  VERY productive day. *coins* 

Toga: *clears throat* Hey Xan. My one friend calls me Jonsey. 

Xan: Ya know – you say that all the time but I’m starting to believe that one friend you reference doesn’t exist. 

Toga: I mean, a merman who is my sworn enemy just saved my life so – that has to count for something. 

Vehemas: *from afar – bubbles* Not your friend, you tried to bang my Mer-Daughter, you can still fuck right off! 

Toga: Well – that’s….okay not great. But also accurate. 

Xan: I wanted to thank you personally for making your little show, Saratoga. It made this extinction event today a whole lot easier for us. 

Toga: I’m always trying to be helpful. 

Xan: And as a thank you, I figured I would end your life. 

Toga: K, mean. 

Xan: Ya know. It’s too bad your real parents will never know about their son’s death. 

Toga: I mean – when I stop calling they’ll probably be like, that’s weird, and assume the worst. Also, they’ve met Phineas, they know I’m into some weird gnome based shit out here. 

Xan: I’m not talking about the Joneses, Toga. Didn’t the gnome ever tell you? Of course he didn’t. That shifty fuck. I suppose you deserve to know at the end of days. 

The Joneses were tasked with keeping you safe. Getting you to school age and then setting you free. To keep the truth within and let the idea of you die. 

What you could be. Who…you could be. One of your real parents is even here today and they don’t even know you exist HAHAHAHAHAHAHA and….I say – that’s an interesting scar on your arm there you’ve got there. 

Toga: Oh this? Yeah I got it from palming the Nothingstar, it was nuts. I was supposed to die and I didn’t and- Hey. Wait – weird scars have historically denoted the main character in all important literature. Am… am I the main character????

Xan: Perhaps. In another time. In another place. In another world. But in this one. You’re just. Dead. *Beam charging throughout* 

Toga: Gulp.  …………………….. Uh. What’s happening? … This is taking so long. 

Xan: It’s a death beam. Okay? It takes a little bit to charge, just give it a sec. It’s not always ready to go, it has to be worked up – DON’T LOOK AT IT, you’re making me self conscious. 

Toga: Oh, sure, no problem. Hey, that’s weird,  my main character arm scar is glowing purple. 

Xan: For real? Well. I wouldn’t pay attention to that. 

Toga: Oh, no? 

Xan: Nope – just let that detail pass right by you cause my beam of death is comin’ for that ass in 4…3….2….2 and one quarter….2 and 2 quarters…

Toga: I think I’m gonna touch your weird giant eyeball with my glowy arm now. 

Xan: Oh but like, don’t though. *let the bodies hit the flow*

Toga: *from the deep* CONTAGIONNNN *Hand on Xan – melting – blood gushing – Xan dying noises – beam fades – Toga’s body hits the floor*  

Vehemas: Okie doke I got me a puddle squirt and I’m back and ready to – Toga? … Ya dead, man? 

Mannix: I’m Mannix McSweeny and I’m king of the Leprechauns! *coins – stabbing – blood* Oh shit, is Toga dead? 

Vehemas: Looks like it. 

Mannix: How sad. Get his wallet. *Coins* 

Vehemas: Okie dokie. 

Toga: *groggy* hey HEY get off me I’M ALIVE!!! 

Mannix: His wallet is on a chain, what do I do now?! 

Vehemas: I’m officially out of ideas, run for the puddle! *coins*

Toga: Ow…my head….what the shit was that?! Also is SOMEONE here my mom and or dad?! 

Zo: What a sad orphan dumb ass. 

Gio: Yeah who cares – pan away to this touching moment I’m witnessing between Grigory and Korter. 

*swoop*

Grigory: KORTER! Would you stop hiding in other dimensions and be helpful? 

Korter: No – I’m not looking to die today! 

Grigory: I’ve lived multiple lifetimes, if today is it then today is it. 

Korter: If you play Rudy one more time I’ll actually kill myself before a legion of mind controlled Orcs gets the chance to. 

*big footsteps approaching* 

Grigory: It’s my safe space! 

Korter: Watch out behind you, a big ole Orc is coming to snatch ya. *portal*

Grigory: What? Oh bloody hell! *snatch – in the background, “Rudy! Rudy!”*

*Spennys notification happens in the distance*

*Tarrasque roars – bites – kills in the distance* 

*Swoop*

Oslo: Wow! That big sexy lizard just ate 12 people at once. Team Dark Council for the win! OH SHOOT – Toga just melted Xan the Beholders eyeball – that’s very hawt – Nothingstar rules, go sloths! I was with you the entire time! *runs off*

*Swoop*

Spencer: I’m….almost……there. 

Spencer calls the dragon Three Balls enter the Box, the third one takes a bit more time, suspense and shit AND THEN  – Dragon is unleashed noises! 

Dragon voice joke – haven’t talked in a long time – you know that thing where you have’t talked in a while – excuse me – regular low pitched down voice – Spenny IMPROV with the Dragon

Spencer: Hey Dragon, what’s your name, guy? 

Dragon: I am Shen. 

Spencer: Sick – well Shen – look out behind you cause there’s a fuckin T-Rex stampediing towards you. 

Dragon: One moment please. 

Dragon v Tarrasque 

• The Dragon bites Terrys head off – burns the legions of mind controlled fighters – Spencer IMPROV narrates this. 

Dragon: My job here is complete. *Back in the box*

Lady Shay and Phineas meet at Terrys dead body 

Phineas: Terry!!!! NO!!!

Lady Shay: Terrance!?! Terrenace, please wake up! 

Phineas: He doesn’t have a head, Shay. He’s not going to wake up. 

*the ground is dug up beside them*

Nistion: Ah. Phineas. 

Phineas: This is not the time, brother. 

Nistion: Oh, I think it’s the perfect time. I’ve been waiting decades for this. Thinking about it every waking second I was in the underground. Plotting. Scheming my revenge…. On you. And now, I am strong enough – I can SEE AND FEEL AND HEAR THE TRUTH – and the truth is. This moment was written in the stars. I will ascend. And it is through your end MY ascension will-*flick – screaming as he flies away* 

Gio: Holy shit the Headmaster just flicked that little fuck across the earth. 

Zo: Awesome. 

Lady Shay: Phineas…Xan is…

Phineas: Gone. I know. 

Lady Shay: And now… Terry is gone too. I have no one. 

Phineas: You still have me. 

Lady Shay: You….You? It is because of you my world is in shambles!

*Magic*

Phineas: No, Shay, don’t do this! 

*Magic – BIG MAGIC BATTLE ENERGY – SHAY AND PHINEAS FIGHTING NOISES – bodies hit the flow* – get sam fighting noises here 

Shay: You’ve beaten me. Just end it. 

Phineas: I… can’t. 

Shay: Well you have to do something, no one will forgive you for sparing me. 

Phineas: Oh Shay…You must not remember who I am. I am Phineas Danger Whistlepig – Headmaster of the greatest vagabond school on earth – Nothingstar Academy – home to the most courageous, and stunningly talented vagabonds this universe has to offer. And all of them made their own way in life. They couldn’t be kept in a box. They destroyed the box because I showed them how. Because that’s what I do. 

Shay: The Terrans will hunt you forever if they find out. 

Phineas: Let them fucking try… Goodbye…for now. 

*Magic – BIG ELONGATED MOMENT* 

Genimax: Headmaster….

Phineas: Oh….Genimax the Would Be Conqueror – you startled me. Well – looks like we won the day! Good job….! 

Kel: *from afar* Oh, what the fuck. 

Genimax: I…saw what you just did. 

Phineas: Defeated and then exploded Lady Shay?! Yes – it was a pretty valiant maneuver, I must say. 

Genimax: No, I saw what you actually did. You shrunk her down and put her in your little gnome  pocket…. Give her to me, Headmaster and let me finish this. 

Phineas: Oh, bugger off Genimax you’re barely an established character. You don’t get to tell me what to do. 

Genimax: Give her to me right now or I will take her from you. 

Phineas: Ya know what… it has been a hard day and my patience is wearing thin so – *FLICK*  Boom, fuck you, get flicked across the earth, bitch. And say hi to my brother when you get there. Fuckin’ kids these days. 

Zander: *Both walking in on this scene* Oh my god, your legs work dude stop dragging them. 

Spencer: All my shit hurts! Give me a piggyback, you weak ass bitch. 

Zander: Get…Down! Dude. Fuck off with that. Oh – hey headmaster. 

Phineas: *still bummed* Spencer. Zander. 

Spencer: Hey, Headmaster Whistlepig, so I was thinking. I want to switch houses. I don’t think the French Bulldogs are like, my deal anymore now that my dad’s all dead and stuff.

Phineas: Is this the right time for this, you think? 

Spenny: Uh yeah it’s like. A huge character development for me so it’s like. The best time. I was thinking I’d be a Baby Ninja Turtle cause I love ninjas and pizza so, kinda fits me perfectly. 

Phineas: Spencer. Listen closely to me now. And I can not be clearer about this. Do whatever you want. I don’t give a flying fuck. 

Spenny: Sick. Thanks, Headmaster! 

Oslo: *walks in on scene* Hola everyone! Que dia mas victorioso! I always knew we could do ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt (*FLICK*)

Phineas: I just be flickin’ everyone’ today. 

Apto: *drags himself in* Oslo Santiagoooooooooo is goneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 

Gilcrest: Wow! Today worked out so well! Now that the dark council is dead their characters in Vagabond Mobile can be promoted to legendaries! 

Toga: *runs in* Hey guys! I just killed Xan the Beholder! 

Apto: Sure you did, Tuna. Did you find me some robot legs yet?!

Toga: No but – seriously. I did. My weird purple scarred arm melted his, like, whole giant eye in the middle of his face and when that was happening I went into this weird fugue state where I was riding a giant elk thing coming out of pure sunlight and-

Phineas: *Sad* That’s very nice, Toga. Shut up. 

Toga: Headmaster! We won! ….kinda. Judas is dead but he seems alright with it. 

Judas: I am psyched to do ghosty stuff, personally, I think this really worked out for the best. *ethereal chainsaw revs*

Toga: We can’t find Grigory currently but I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. Lots of others are dead. But we won. We did it. Don’t be sad, sir. This is a great day!

Phineas: …..Is it? I’m not so sure if we made this a great day. Or not. And the choice, as it were… was mine. 

END MUSIC HITS

Post Credit Scene: 

Nistion: Annnnd we’re back. It took months but…we’re back on the shores of North America. 

Oslo: Jes. 

Nistion: We need to make that immortal juice Oslo – we need to make it work – that’s the only way this will ever happen. The only way Phineas dies. 

Oslo: Gax couldn’t make it work, what makes you think you will? 

Nistion: Well – I know someone – the only being to ever distill a stable version of the iridescent immortal goo…

Oslo: Who? 

Nistion: Well – He’s currently in the LIRHSHSP

Oslo: That place is a fortress! No one has ever broken out of there.

Nistion: Yes but….Their warden is a ghost now – all their backs are turned…I would say now is the exact right time… 

Oslo: Time to do what???

Nistion: *turns to Oslo* To break Daddy Whistlepig outta prison.

HARD CUT *YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

I have some facts I’d like you to know before we get into this and these are those facts:

• The Matterhorn is the 6^th highest mountain in the alps with undoubtedly the best name of any mountain ever
• Known for its appearance – it looks like a giant angry horn, basically the Grinch’s house
• It has 2390 reviews on trip advisor – so, V Popular tourist destination
• About 3,000 people summit the Matterhorn annually
• It was first ascended on 14 July 1865 by a party of seven, three of which lived
• As such, it’s an obvious Death Trap

When you look at the list of highest peaks in the alps a bunch as I did you start to notice that all of them were summited in the 1800s. As you read the years so close to one another, it becomes like reading a race. You can see the enthusiasm in the dates. Climbing was all the rage in the 1800s and there was generous competition – and the last peak to be climbed on that list of mountains in the Alps was The Matterhorn.

You get drawn in by what it looks like. It is truly a prodigious horn, a rising monster in the distance. I needed to know more about it. But once you find out it’s not even the highest mountain in the alps let alone close to the world’s top 10 highest peaks perhaps that initial interest may fade – I know it did momentarily for me.

But thankfully due to the human spirit being morbidly curious as to the soup that death makes, this curled and mangled creature held on to my interest. The Matterhorn is one of the deadliest peaks in the world – over five hundred climbers have died trying to conquer this rock including four of the seven that made up the climbing party first to ascend, an incident that ostensibly ended recreational climbing for a generation.

This mountain is also tied to famous poet and author Oscar Wilde’s downfall in a truly intimate way that is fascinating. The moment you begin to climb the mountain that is The Matterhorn it instantly becomes many stories all rolled into one. This is the story of Oscar Wilde’s trial, an awful man named John Douglas, and the first ascent of The Matterhorn.

John Douglas, The Man That No One Liked

The golden age of alpinism was the decade in mountaineering between Alfred Wills’s ascent of the Wetterhorn in 1854 and Edward Whymper’s ascent of the Matterhorn in 1865.

So, let’s start at the beginning. 1854 – and Alfred Willis.

Sir Alfred Wills was a judge of the High Court of England and Wales (like the supreme court in America but with better wigs) and a well-known mountaineer. He was also the third President of the Alpine Club – a place where rich white men met in London who really liked chilling in the alps.

Mr. Justice Alfred Willis was a gay bashing troglodyte who wrote a legal document called “An essay on the principles of circumstantial evidence: illustrated by numerous cases” that still gets referenced often in academic settings today.

But, as interesting as that document both sounds and reads, he is even better known as  the judge who gave the maximum punishment at the end of Oscar Wilde’s sodomy trial. Said punishment was 2 years hard labor/prison to which Judge Willis described the sentence, the maximum allowed by the way, as “totally inadequate for a case such as this,” and that the case was “the worst case I have ever tried.” Wilde’s response “And I? May I say nothing, my Lord?” was drowned out in cries of “Shame” in the courtroom.

The reason Oscar Wilde was within this court case to begin with was that he was engaged in a homosexual relationship with Lord Alfred Douglas whose fathers name is John Douglas, an infamously secular and opinionated brute plus the main character of our story.

John’s divorces, brutality, atheism, and association with the boxing world (he published the rules for modern boxing that someone else wrote and he got all the credit for) made Mr. Douglas an unpopular figure in London high society.

In 1893 his eldest son Francis was made a baron, thus giving him an automatic seat in the House of Lords. John resented his son sitting in a chamber that had refused to admit him previously, leading to a bitter dispute between himself and both his son and the Earl of Rosebery, who had promoted Francis’ ennoblement and who shortly thereafter became Prime Minister.

Francis Douglas would go on to allegedly kill himself. It was called a hunting accident which was a commonly used term at the time for suicide and or murder. He did so after the rumor got out that he was shtucking his boss, the recent Earl of Rosebery and the now Prime Minister, whom Francis was both a secretary and a lover. This all occurred only 8 months after the Prime Minister came into power. John Douglas said his son post death as “he died unmarried and without issue.” John would later say of the Prime Minister, whom he so lovingly referred to as a “Snob Queer,” that he had corrupted both his sons and held him responsible for his sons apparent suicide.

John’s other son, Lord Alfred, was also gay but instead of Prime Ministers he was more into poets, or at least one in particular which was Oscar Wilde. John Douglas didn’t like that two of his three sons were gay and blamed the Prime Minister once more for this egregious coincidence.

This is a man – John Douglas – whose father also killed himself in a “hunting accident.” A very clumsy family indeed.

Add to that John’s wife Sibel, whom after 4 sons and a daughter successfully sued for divorce in 1887 on the grounds of his adultery, which was not a thing at the time. The fact that she won in a time where women’s rights were all but not is insanity and shows the amount of people both in the public and within the court who had a distaste for the man. This is a man whose second marriage was annulled a year into it, another rare occurrence. Literally no one liked him.

John had an awful relationship will all three of his sons – the second one we have yet to discuss name was Percy – John called him “that so-called skunk of a son of mine” and disowned him for marrying a clergyman’s daughter. A scandal, indeed.

During the Oscar Wilde trials in 1895, John assaulted Percy on a London street leading to both men being arrested and charged with disturbing the peace to the tune of £500, and I’ll save you some time converting that to American dollars, it was a small fortune. In 1900 on his death bed John Douglas spat on Percy when he came to visit. So yeah, not a great relationship.

Three weeks following their father’s funeral, the new Lord Queensbury (Percy) and Lord Alfred visited Oscar Wilde in Paris. Wilde recalled that they were “in deep mourning and the highest spirits. The English are like this.”

John Douglas had two younger twin siblings. The brother committed suicide by slicing his own throat and the sister was Florence Dixie a famous feminist, war correspondent, traveler, and writer. Super interesting woman. Look her up later after you read this. Please don’t stop reading this.

John Douglas – Whose other younger brother was Reverend Lord Archibald Edward Douglas, known for his role in Home Children.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS?!  I HADN’T. It was the child migration scheme founded by Annie MacPherson in 1869 under which more than 100,000 children were sent from the United Kingdom to Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and South Africa. It’s not clear how much Lord Archibald knew of the whole slavery part of all of it, but still.

And then there was John’s other younger brother, Lord Francis Douglas for whom John’s eldest son and future hunting accident is named after – that died two years before his nephew with his namesake was born during the first ascent of The Matterhorn. And more specifically, on the first decent of the Matterhorn.

John is really in a pickle here after Lord Alfred turns out to be gay as well after his first son Lord Francis kills himself or is murdered because John is obviously intolerant but doesn’t want his younger son to die as well so he takes the fight to the man who didn’t deserve it – His younger son’s lover, Oscar Wilde. And so, the downfall begins.

The Golden Age of Climbing

The Alpine Club is why we know The Matterhorn to be the murder mountain that it is today. It was the first Alpine Club ever created in the UK or anywhere for that matter and was instrumental in the development of mountaineering during the golden age of alpinism which spanned from 1854 to 1865.

Said golden age was dominated by British alpinists and their Swiss and French guides. Or, well, you can call them guides if you wish but really they were Sherpa-esque people to help the Brits up the mountain while the English dinguses pretended to be adventurers to create stories in their heads for their aristocratic friends at future dinner parties.

The golden age started with Justice Willis, the judge from Oliver Wilde’s trial, summiting the Wetterhorn in 1854. He would then grow old before meeting Wilde, not sentencing the famous poet until 1895. Nonetheless, from 1854 on climbing mountains as sport became highly fashionable in the UK.

Despite several well-documented earlier ascents of the Wetterhorn and the fact that Justice Willis was guided to the top he still was so bold as to call himself the first. Even in his obituary it read “certainly the first who can be said with any confidence to have stood upon the real highest peak of the Wetterhorn proper.” Alright, dude.

Enter The Matterhorn

The First Ascent of The Matterhorn – the last mountain in the way of conquering the Swiss alps was led by Edward Whymper. He was in a race with a guy named Professor John Tyndall to reach the summit and had already failed eight times. Edward was to climb this time with a valued mountain man named Michael Croz who was then yoinked from him by Charles Hudson, another avid climber who also wanted to ascend the untamed beast. The night before both parties left they met to speak and decided to join each other as they had just learned an Italian party was also leaving in the morning.

Edwards crew in total was:

• Edward Whymper, a 20 years old athletic artist and leader slash guy who really wanted to finally get to the top of this mountain.
• Charles Hudson
• Michael Croz
• Douglas Hadow, Hudsons protégé
•  2 Local Guides: Peter Taugwalder and his son of the same name
• & Lord Francis Douglas (Only 18 at the time)

Before leaving Charles Hudson vouched for his partner Mr. Hadow saying that he had done Mont Blanc in less time than most men while exclaiming, “I consider he is a sufficiently good man to go with us!” This will be important later as Mr. Whymper will claim in retrospect the entire expedition going down hill was Mr. Hadows fault, whom history now considers a novice.

Whymper and party left Zermatt, the town beneath The Matterhorn, early in the morning of July 13, 1865. Meanwhile the Italian party began their ascent three hours earlier.

Even with Hadow needing “required continual assistance,” and starting hours after the Italians, the Whymper party summited successfully in two days time with Croz and Whymper reaching the top first.

Whymper writes: “The slope eased off, and Croz and I, dashing away, ran a neck-and-neck race, which ended in a dead heat. At 1.40 p.m. the world was at our feet, and the Matterhorn was conquered. Hurrah! Not a footstep could be seen.”

Precisely at this moment The Italian Party were approximately 400 meters below still dealing with the most difficult parts of the ridge. When seeing Whymper and crew on the summit said party gave up on their attempt and went back down.

Later historians would write of this moment, “In order to ensure his rivals knew they were beaten, Whymper rather unsportingly shouted at the Italian team from the top and hurled rocks to make a clatter. The Italians turned and fled.” I’ll take hubris for $1000, Alex.

After Whymper took his time to sketch the scene he built a tower of stones to commemorate the conquering of the Alps. The tired yet adrenaline filled group stayed an hour total on the summit then they began their descent of the treacherous Hörnli ridge.

The order on the rope during the descent was Croz going down first, followed by Hadow, then Hudson, Lord Douglas, old Peter Taugwalder, Whymper, with young Peter Taugwalder bringing up the rear.

The accident occurred due to Hadow slipping on the descent not far from the summit, pulling Croz, Hudson and Douglas down the north face of the mountain; the rope between these four and the other three members of the party, Whymper and the two  Peter Taugwalders father and son, snapped, saving them from the same fate. Some have blamed Hudson for insisting on the presence of the inexperienced Hadow in the party and for not checking the quality of the rope or the boots Hadow was wearing. Some have blamed Hadow for his known incompetence. Some have blamed the father Peter Taugwalder for giving up the fight to save his fellow climbers.

Whymper later described the deaths as follows:

“Michael Croz had laid aside his axe, and in order to give Mr. Hadow greater security was absolutely taking hold of his legs and putting his feet, one by one, into their proper positions. As far as I know, no one was actually descending. I can not speak with certainty, because the two leading men were partially hidden from my sight by an intervening mass of rock, but it is my belief, from the movements of their shoulders, that Croz, having done as I have said, was in the act of turning round to go down a step or two himself; at the moment Mr. Hadow slipt, fell against him and knocked him over. I heard one startled exclamation from Croz, then saw him and Mr. Hadow flying downward; in another moment Hudson was dragged from his steps, and Lord Francis Douglas immediately after him. All this was the work of a moment. Immediately we heard Croz’s exclamation, old Peter and I planted ourselves as firmly as the rocks would permit; the rope was taut between us, and the jerk came on us both as one man. We held, but the rope broke midway between Taugwalder and Lord Francis Douglas. For a few seconds we saw our unfortunate companions sliding downward on their backs, and spreading out their hands, endeavoring to save themselves. They passed from our sight uninjured, disappeared one by one, and fell from precipice to precipice on to the Matterhorngletscher below, a distance of nearly four thousand feet in height. From the moment the rope broke it was impossible to help them. So perished our comrades! For the space of half an hour we remained on the spot without moving a single step.”

Croz’s body together with those of Hudson and Hadow were recovered from the Matterhorn glacier. Croz was buried in the south side of Zermatt churchyard, on the other side from the graves of Hudson and Hadow. Lord Douglas, on the other hand, was never found.

The rival party of Italian alpinists reached the Matterhorn’s summit three days later and not one of them perished.

DID THE LOCAL GUIDE SAVE HIS SON AND WHYMPER BY CUTTING THE ROPE?!

Only father, son, and Whymper know.

A controversy ensued as to whether the rope had actually been cut, but a formal investigation could not find any proof. The accident haunted Whymper forever.

He writes, “Every night, do you understand, I see my comrades of the Matterhorn slipping on their backs, their arms outstretched, one after the other, in perfect order at equal distances—Croz the guide, first, then Hadow, then Hudson, and lastly Douglas. Yes, I shall always see them.”

Queen Victoria considered banning climbing to all British citizens but decided, after consultation, not to forbid mountaineering after this incident took place.

46 years later, shortly after returning home from another climb in the Alps, Whymper became ill, locked himself in his room, and refused all medical treatment. Whymper died sick and alone on at the age of 71.

Another Douglas Tragedy

The Matterhorn incident happened days before Lord Francis’ older brother John Douglas was to assume his majority as 9th Marquess of Queensberry. As guests gathered for a lavish celebration in his honor word came that Lord Francis Douglas had fallen to his death with three others after achieving the first successful ascent of the Matterhorn.

John Douglas traveled to Zermatt immediately with the intention of bringing home his brother’s body but came to find that nothing had been found of Lord Francis but some tattered shreds of his clothing. Upon hearing of his brothers fate John the Awful, without a guide and by moonlight, attacked the Matterhorn to find his younger brothers body. It was by only a matter of chance that two guides found and rescued him eventually before he died of the cold, unsuccessful.

John wrote apologetically to his sister Florence, “I thought and thought where he was, and called him, and wondered if I should ever see him again. I was half mad with misery, and I could not help it.”

Francis’ loss was deeply felt by his entire family. In 1876, Florence would accompany John on his return to Zermatt, and he would show her the slopes where Francis had died. Beyond the family, the tragedy was a long-running sensation, reported by newspapers all over the world.

To this day one of Hadow’s shoes can be seen in Zermatt’s Matterhorn Museum, together with the infamous snapped rope.

Whymper’s 1871 book “Scrambles Amongst the Alps,” which detailed his Matterhorn climb closed with famous words of warning for fellow mountaineers: “Climb if you will, but remember that courage and strength are naught without prudence, and that a momentary negligence may destroy the happiness of a lifetime. Do nothing in haste; look well to each step, and from the beginning think what may be the end.”

In spite of Whymper’s words of caution, approximately five hundred mountaineers since 1865 have perished while scaling the Matterhorn, a death toll nearly double that of Mount Everest.

Oscar Wilde never wrote a poem about this brilliantly dangerous peak. It might have never entered his consciousness to care of the Swiss Alps at all. But the tangled web of this deadly mountain and his own personal grievances perhaps did deserve some prose.

While Thomas Hardy’s, another famous English novelist and poet, poem “Zermatt to the Matterhorn” has nothing to do with Wilde and his struggles against the norm, the words do ring true as to the mountains cruel nature and humanities inability to stray from a challenge. Thanks for reading.

Zermatt to the Matterhorn
by Thomas Hardy
Thirty-two years since, up against the sun,
Seven shapes, thin atomies to lower sight,
Labouringly leapt and gained thy gabled height,
And four lives paid for what the seven had won.

They were the first by whom the deed was done,
And when I look at thee, my mind takes flight
To that day’s tragic feat of manly might,
As though, till then, of history thou hadst none.

Yet ages ere men topped thee, late and soon
Thou watch’dst each night the planets lift and lower;
Thou gleam’dst to Joshua’s pausing sun and moon,
And brav’dst the tokening sky when Caesar’s power
Approached its bloody end: yea, saw’st that Noon
When darkness filled the earth till the ninth hour.

Bo Burnham’s movie Eighth Grade has a high rating on Rotten Tomatoes but not 100%.

Whether or not that is deserved is your personal preference but whenever a movie is doing really well on that website I LOVE to go read the comments of the reviewers who populate the negative side of the column and see if they have actual feelings about it as apposed to hating it for the chance to be singular. Hating haters feels so full circle.

Here is this article written by a lady whom I’d probably get along with in real life based on her spewing vitriol as it’s kinda also my thing.

The articles title: The unbearable heaviness of Bo Burnham’s ‘Eighth Grade’

In Eighth Grade, writer and director Bo Burnham depicts the female tween experience with such painful accuracy that it literally made me nauseous. I had to get up more than once during the viewing and pace the hallways of the theater, catch up on texts with friends, take deep breaths and steel myself to return.

So. You didn’t watch parts of the movie? Okie doke. I’ll make sure to skip the next few paragraphs of your article and then still try and eviscerate it so we’re matching! 

So far, the movie’s been universally lauded by critics, who are mesmerized by the film’s awkward realism, and most of all, mesmerized by Elsie Fisher as Kayla, its earnest, insecure and ultimately loveable protagonist.

Stop the presses, because I think you might secretly love this movie.

Everything you’ve heard is true; this really is the most realistic depiction of early teen angst I’ve ever seen on screen. Viewers are perpetually astonished by Kayla’s realistic demeanor and speech, which includes a lot of likes and ums, age-appropriate acne, difficulty looking people in the eye and a palpable anxiety.

But like I said before, the movie made me want to throw up. I was the opposite of entertained. I felt like I was getting drilled at the dentist in the center of a middle school gymnasium with kids pointing and laughing at me while opening mail about a bill past due and also on fire — and so, how can I possibly recommend this putrid experience to you?

Oh okay cool, sorry, I was unaware that your own glaring insecurities could make a movie objectively worse. Still think you love it, by the way.

We first meet Kayla while she films a YouTube video for her floundering real-talk vlog. Today’s topic: Being Yourself. You know, like not doing what everybody else is doing in order to be cool or whatever. It’s the last week of eighth grade, and besides the school shooting drills and ubiquitous cell phones, not much has changed since my own middle school horror show days, circa 1995.

…What? The outside is 100% different while humans don’t change, I believe is what you’re looking for here. You’re projecting so hard right now the light bulb in the projector is gonna burn out.

Children this age are essentially hormone-spewing monsters, which we see in chaotic classrooms and school assemblies refereed by exhausted teachers. It’s like what Mark says to Dawn in 1995’s Welcome to the Dollhouse, (pardon me, better movie): “High school is better. It’s closer to college. They’ll call you names, but not as much to your face.”

Movies from the 90’s were better because they happened a long time ago and I’m better for knowing they exist. 

At home, Kayla’s raised by a goofy, well-intentioned father (Josh Hamilton) who practices infinite patience with a daughter who we are meeting at the apex of her cruelty. I know Kayla can’t help but take out her social frustrations on a father who’s done nothing but sacrifice and support her, and phones are more interesting than dinner conversations, but still, these father-daughter interactions are not an easy thing to endure.

Don’t worry I am also still getting my Dad to love me, I just, ya know, don’t apply that feeling to the movies I watch to make me feel better about my misplaced hate. Is all.

What else is there to say?

Enough that you kept writing after you wrote this sentence.

Everything else you’re guessing might be present in a plot like this exists: Kayla likes the hottest guy in school, who mostly (but not entirely!) ignores her. But let’s not discount the affable goof hanging out on the film’s periphery. There are end-of-the-year pool parties, bathing suit panic attacks and embarrassments followed by genuine triumphs. And listen: Put down your tweet, folks. I’m aware that this is empirically a good movie and I’m basically incorrect and maybe even cowardly for my inability to stomach these plaintive truths.

I’ll do you one better and blog about it. I showed you! Also, you just said you liked the film. You didn’t, but you did. You’re aware that its good but it knocked on your feelings too hard for it to be good. I cringed during this movie a lot. Closed my eyes even. Because it put a mirror up in front of me and I was like hey, get that out of there, I’m disappointed in myself all the time and also there is a glare off that reflective surface that is making it hard to see the road while I rage type this. I’m not really driving, everything is okay. 

But might I posit that perhaps our premium on awkward indie realism is just a tad high?

I’d prefer it if you didn’t. See, now I’m letting my feelings get the better of me. I’m not better than you.

When you strip away this one poignant element, there’s not a lot left to the movie but a familiar coming-of-age trajectory and pretty bland, forgettable dialogue.

You’re the coolest girl this side of her own inferiority complex.

If you want to be reminded of the tortures of your youth, by all means, Eighth Grade is the picture for you. This summer movie season, you could see Ethan Hunt pilot a helicopter into a mountain to save humanity from nuclear holocaust, or you can watch a young person Google how to give a blow job. There’s room enough in cinema for all types of feelings.

Can Ethan Hawk pilot that same helicopter into your subconscious and lighten the mental load you’re currently dealing with that didn’t allow you to gain solace from this pretty bland coming of age tale?

My guess is no.

I disagree with you but also not really because you literally said the movie is good and then continued to complain about it which honestly is so me so I get it.

We’re very similar. We should make a movie about us for someone in Tennessee to hate and blog about. Deal? Deal. 

So. You should do a few things.

Number 1.) Watch Westworld on HBO, it’s a high budget robot western. It’s awesome. &

Number 2.) Listen to The Westworld Podcast because it’s a thing I’m doing! Yay for things!

Then you can follow us on Twitter  and send us your crazy theories and wild conjecture so we can tell everyone what your feelings are!

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