6 Things to do to Make Valentines Day Not Suck

I lean towards being a cynical human being. On Valentines Day you can take that lean and assure yourself it will turn into a full blown tilt. But, I decided this is the last Valentines Day I will spend being bummed out. Single or otherwise, I will make Valentines Day the best day of the year, and I will do so by following these 6 steps:

1. Stop scrolling through Social Media that you know will make you sad. People will be writing amorous haiku’s to their significant others – new couples will be wondering openly if they really have to take part in this profit fueled nonsense, and you’ll be reading it bein’ all like:

2. See a movie (The Lego Movie is my recommendation, it sorta makes you believe in yourself) or binge watch House of Cards Season 2 – either one will work just fine as a distraction. Although, this step in the process does quickly lead me to step number 3.

3. Healthily indulge. You know all those terrible things you do to your body? Eat horrific food, drink a comically large amount of booze/mountain dew, and stay in bed for days on end? Stop that. Don’t do that today. Those are all fast tracks to deep existential depressions – never ending loops that get blown way out of proportion on days like today, so DON’T DO THEM. Eat better today. Run. Jump. Dance in public. Get out there. Smile. Go to the gym. Get your pump on while listening to heavy 80’s techno music. Ya know, all the normal stuff people and techno cats do.

4. Let this be the day you say you don’t give an F bomb and actually mean it – I’m talking like 98 year old dude crawling into the freezer at the super market not giving an F bomb. Every time you say you don’t give a bleep to me, it just means you totally do. All the time you spend making sure everyone else knows you don’t give an F takes time away from what you should actually being doing which is accomplishing goals that truly make you happy.

5. Locate all of the human beings you know who are single and make you smile and force yourself upon them. They will thank you later. Like me for instance – I’m going out with some bros this evening to drink a safe amount of whiskey and smoke a certain amount of cigars that has yet to be determined. The only way you can be happy today – a day where the odds are never in your favor – is if you exert enough effort to actually make it happen for yourself. Which, for the record, you should, because if I had to choose between being happy or sad on a day that is very literally built for sucker punching single human beings, I’d pick happy 10 out of 10 times.

6. And if all else fails buy a hamster, cause that thing will love you just for getting him a super sweet wheel to bro out on.

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