Why I Hate my Best Friends Girlfriend

Is the title of a powerpoint presentation (Click through to see the whole thing)

Imagethat I wrote in 10 minutes on the afternoon of July 6th, 2010. It was stupid and not well thought out, but I was in the moment (it’s not fictional, I mean, most of the jokes are false but it was based on a real person) and I put it up on the internet without thinking twice. Everything before that post that I wrote had gone unnoticed. 5 likes or reblogs or whatever the internet uses as positive emotional currency these days – at the most. Many of the articles I wrote had 0 views. Unlike today when I average 20 views (which I love dearly and never take for granted btdubbs.)

At the time I hadn’t found Reddit yet so I was really REALLY into Stumbleupon. I Stumbled every which way. So…I finish the last slide. I put it up on College Humor. Put it up on StumbleUpon, and left my house. Didn’t tell a soul.

The next day I wake up and, on a whim, I check the number of views. 10,000.

……10,000!!!!!!! Not only did it BLOW THE F UP but people LIKED IT….sort of. Most of the people who liked it liked it enough to re-blog and press the thumbs up. Most of the people who hated it REALLY let the StumbleUpon and College Humor comment sections know. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. Needless to say many people thought I was “Gheyyy” and a “Jealous Faggot” or a “Gheyyylord Jealous Faggot” which made even less sense… Nonetheless, I was excited! For a few seconds.

My thought process at that very moment was in this order exactly: Holy shit people are reading this. Holy shit people like it! Holy shiiiiiit some people reallllly hate it……..holy shit…..I really hope that girl/my best friend doesn’t use StumbleUpon.

I was in a true predicament. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. Do I take the article down so there is no way they will find it or do I keep it up because…well…cause…10,000! There were two major issues here. The first was, if you read it you will realize, it has its moments but it’s far from a masterpiece. My original idea was that if they had ever broken up in front of me I would always be ready with it so I could say “OKKKKK, let’s go to the slides!” The file I uploaded was just a rough draft of that stupid thought.

The second problem was that every moment I wasn’t acting – it was growing. 20,000 came in 1.5 days. 50,000 in 3 days. 100,000 in 4 days. At that point it didn’t matter if I took it down – people were downloading the file and re-uploading it on blog sites and internet cesspools like funny junk. It was everywhere. 5 days in it hit 200,000 hits. And then Tumblr happened… At that point I hadn’t told anyone what was going on and none of my friends had found it. I was a complete wreck.

By day 6 you could go to Google and type in “Why I hate” and it would auto fill to “my best friends girlfriend.”

Yeah. I was so screwed. OH and to top it all off, THE FIRST SLIDE HAS MY STUPID FACE ON IT.

A few things happened around that time. I finally told my friends who weren’t the people mentioned in the powerpoint about its existence. They thought it was hilarious. I then told them about how it blew up on the internet. They didn’t believe me. I then showed them the StumbleUpon page, which then had about 300,000 views. Then they laughed their asses off. For the record, I was the only one not laughing and I hate my friends.

Over the next year of my life, the same thing would happen about three times a week. Someone would send me a text or a Facebook wall post saying, “Hey…is this you?!” with the link attached. Then if it was on Facebook I would run to the nearest computer (I still had a flip phone at the time) and delete the post. Sometimes I literally ran. With a recently broken ankle. Like a banshee. Thankfully no one who I didn’t want to see it ever did while I cared. Eventually I just gave up and waited for inevitable, which I should of done from the beginning but hey – can’t blame a guy for trying…well….you can…and you probably should. I know I would.

The moral of this story is that if you write something that has a malicious nature and should be seen by no one – don’t post it on the internet, you idiot.

Every now and again I see it. Here it the most popular one on Tumblr. Not originally posted by me. 100,000+ reblogs.

And here it is on a bunch of different sites:









The Google Search

It even inspired some others to create their own versions  that are incredibly similar.

There’s more, too. Lots more. Oh, and just to let you all know – The couple eventually split and I told the best friend about the Powerpoint. He laughed. Then I showed him that it had over a million views. Then he laughed until he cried.

Last time I checked, the original post had somewhere around 2 million views. The posts from other sites have about another million.

…Yeah. I know.

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