Why I Hate my Best Friends Girlfriend

Is the title of a powerpoint presentation (Click through to see the whole thing)

Imagethat I wrote in 10 minutes on the afternoon of July 6th, 2010. It was stupid and not well thought out, but I was in the moment (it’s not fictional, I mean, most of the jokes are false but it was based on a real person) and I put it up on the internet without thinking twice. Everything before that post that I wrote had gone unnoticed. 5 likes or reblogs or whatever the internet uses as positive emotional currency these days – at the most. Many of the articles I wrote had 0 views. Unlike today when I average 20 views (which I love dearly and never take for granted btdubbs.)

At the time I hadn’t found Reddit yet so I was really REALLY into Stumbleupon. I Stumbled every which way. So…I finish the last slide. I put it up on College Humor. Put it up on StumbleUpon, and left my house. Didn’t tell a soul.

The next day I wake up and, on a whim, I check the number of views. 10,000.

……10,000!!!!!!! Not only did it BLOW THE F UP but people LIKED IT….sort of. Most of the people who liked it liked it enough to re-blog and press the thumbs up. Most of the people who hated it REALLY let the StumbleUpon and College Humor comment sections know. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. Needless to say many people thought I was “Gheyyy” and a “Jealous Faggot” or a “Gheyyylord Jealous Faggot” which made even less sense… Nonetheless, I was excited! For a few seconds.

My thought process at that very moment was in this order exactly: Holy shit people are reading this. Holy shit people like it! Holy shiiiiiit some people reallllly hate it……..holy shit…..I really hope that girl/my best friend doesn’t use StumbleUpon.

I was in a true predicament. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. Do I take the article down so there is no way they will find it or do I keep it up because…well…cause…10,000! There were two major issues here. The first was, if you read it you will realize, it has its moments but it’s far from a masterpiece. My original idea was that if they had ever broken up in front of me I would always be ready with it so I could say “OKKKKK, let’s go to the slides!” The file I uploaded was just a rough draft of that stupid thought.

The second problem was that every moment I wasn’t acting – it was growing. 20,000 came in 1.5 days. 50,000 in 3 days. 100,000 in 4 days. At that point it didn’t matter if I took it down – people were downloading the file and re-uploading it on blog sites and internet cesspools like funny junk. It was everywhere. 5 days in it hit 200,000 hits. And then Tumblr happened… At that point I hadn’t told anyone what was going on and none of my friends had found it. I was a complete wreck.

By day 6 you could go to Google and type in “Why I hate” and it would auto fill to “my best friends girlfriend.”

Yeah. I was so screwed. OH and to top it all off, THE FIRST SLIDE HAS MY STUPID FACE ON IT.

A few things happened around that time. I finally told my friends who weren’t the people mentioned in the powerpoint about its existence. They thought it was hilarious. I then told them about how it blew up on the internet. They didn’t believe me. I then showed them the StumbleUpon page, which then had about 300,000 views. Then they laughed their asses off. For the record, I was the only one not laughing and I hate my friends.

Over the next year of my life, the same thing would happen about three times a week. Someone would send me a text or a Facebook wall post saying, “Hey…is this you?!” with the link attached. Then if it was on Facebook I would run to the nearest computer (I still had a flip phone at the time) and delete the post. Sometimes I literally ran. With a recently broken ankle. Like a banshee. Thankfully no one who I didn’t want to see it ever did while I cared. Eventually I just gave up and waited for inevitable, which I should of done from the beginning but hey – can’t blame a guy for trying…well….you can…and you probably should. I know I would.

The moral of this story is that if you write something that has a malicious nature and should be seen by no one – don’t post it on the internet, you idiot.

Every now and again I see it. Here it the most popular one on Tumblr. Not originally posted by me. 100,000+ reblogs.

And here it is on a bunch of different sites:

http://joyreactor.com/post/542538

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/960470/Why/

http://www.nert.me/pictures.php?current_id=50

http://cheezburger.com/5685190656

http://www.strangebeaver.com/2011/12/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend/

http://angelaspinkyworld.blogspot.com/2010/10/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend.html

http://willbarnesonline.com/wordpress/2010/12/02/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend/

http://www.stumbleupon.com/content/2Oq2gu

The Google Search

It even inspired some others to create their own versions  that are incredibly similar.

There’s more, too. Lots more. Oh, and just to let you all know – The couple eventually split and I told the best friend about the Powerpoint. He laughed. Then I showed him that it had over a million views. Then he laughed until he cried.

Last time I checked, the original post had somewhere around 2 million views. The posts from other sites have about another million.

…Yeah. I know.

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