What Your Phone Says About You

96.5% of the United States population owns a cell phone. That means that no matter what age you are, there is a good chance your pocket feels like it’s vibrating from time to time but no one is trying to contact you – take solace in the fact that it’s just your body being a dick.

Without trying to make a vacuuming generalization (I hate sweeping generalizations but I have to call them something) – the mobile phone is without a doubt in the top 5 best inventions of all time. In fact here is my top 5 for future reference:

5. The Telephone (But let’s be serious, The Mobile Phone is where it’s at. Suck it Alexander Graham Bell.)

4. Antibiotics (What up disease.)

3. The Printing Press (Or as I like to call it, Microsoft Word’s Great Grandpapa)

2. The Clock (More precisely the concept of telling time. And for the record, If you’re still using sundials you are so two thousand and late)

1. The Toilet (No invention has saved more lives. Seriously. Look it up. And later check out water.org – dropping human waste removal knowledge like it’s hot.)

But back to my point – I know many people, including myself, who live and die by their phone. Hell, if my phone’s battery is at 20% battery by 9pm on a Friday night I’m most likely having a panic attack. That’s not even a joke. It actually happens.

Similar to every major industry, diversification helps to drive private and public companies toward better, more technologically advanced phones as time goes on. (That would be my beginning sentence if I was writing a High School term paper about the telephone. Holler at my English teachers.)

In layman terms – every time some dude from Apple Bottom Jeans or MicroSofties gets up on stage and tells us they’re holding THE NEXT BIG THING – everyone else in the business takes it as a challenge to, not just make the next next big thing, but to make THE big thing. This only bodes well for us, the consumers. Personally I want all of the fun things and if it turns out all of the fun things are super-duper amazing, then I’d say I’m better off. (And as those same English teachers from before cringe, I take a bow.)

Pulling from the list of top mobile phone sales by year on the all seeing all knowing website Wikipedia, I’ll break down what owning a specific phone model says about you.

Ebony and Ivory

The iPhone 5: It’s the last product our buddy Steve worked on before he checked out for good. It’s taller. It’s thinner. It has a camera that everyone tells me is better although I think they might be yanking my chain on that one. Owning the newest iPhone is like owning the newest car. It doesn’t mean you’re better than me…but at the same time it sorta does…but whatever. I’ll tomahawk your ass, you don’t even know!!

iPhone 4 or 4s: “I don’t know what the big deal is with the new one. This one is working just fine. Like,  I get an upgrade that makes the future iPhone like, one billion dollars instead of two billion dollars in like seventy years, so like, I’ll figure it out then…ya know?….Like.” Says everyone ever.

Older iPhones: You’re either in college or homeless. Or both.

The Galaxy: ohhhhhh ahhhhhhhh shut up

Samsung Galaxy: We get it. Apple fanbois are lame and it’s so nice to be thinking outside the box with your Android phone. Again – I’ll reiterate because it’s so important. We. Get. It. You’re unique! You’re an individual! Also 80 million other people bought these phones so you might want to find a bigger bandwagon to jump on that doesn’t have as many insufferable people.

220px-Samsung_Galaxy_Note

Note the Piece of plastic that people with fingers find extra useless

Samsung Galaxy Note: Anything that comes with a stylus these days is horrible. Promptly throw it out.

Any HTC Phone: These phones are like early in life relationships – they go through phases. First is the cupcake phase where everyone is jolly and the world is a new and brighter place. Then the complacency sets in. Maybe sometimes you get the stink lens because you get caught looking at other phones. You get accused of not touching the screen the way you did when you first brought it home. Maybe you love it but you’re not “in” love with it. It shuts down without warning. Its mood freezes up for absolutely no reason. It’s a giant bitch who cheats on you and then it’s somehow YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT!!!!!!!!! …….Umm…Maybe just get another phone.

Ever notice how Crackberry and Crackbaby are eerily similar words? Photo: http://aquanhaphoto.com

Crackberry: If you ever want an accessory to make it look like you are constantly late for a meeting – this is it. You are now considered old school with your physical buttons and your little ball or arrows that do gosh knows what. Seeing “Sent from my Blackberry” is now like seeing an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker. It’s so rare; it might as well be extinct.

Motorola – Nokia – LG – ZTE – ETC: You might think ETC stands for some phone brand. It doesn’t. It stands for etcetera – although that would be a great brand name. PATENT PENDING. – All of these different companies have a lot in common. They run some form of Android and/or their own operating systems. They think “apps” is still a word people care about. They have phones the size of tablets but they refuse to call them that because they’re edgy.

I for one look forward to our new toaster overlords

These are the phones you’ll walk into a Radio Shack or a Verizon/AT&T ETC (patent pending) store and the salesman will be pushing on that random day to meet their quota. Sales people will tell you things like, “the screens are so clear that you can watch movies on them! OhMyGherd!” You can literally watch movies on anything these days. There are freaking toasters that play videos now. Your weird phone isn’t special.

Flip Phones: You’re super lame but you also still have the ability to slam your phone shut when you’re trying to make a point which makes me peanut butter and jealous.

Brick Phones: Just….stop it. Stop it right now. Cut it out. It’s over. Just…..stop it with your stupid face. Get with the times, people. If you owned a brick phone and your name was, oh I don’t know…Kate? You would be two thousand and Kate. And that’s worse somehow….so stop it.

Kate.I.Am

Kate.I.Am

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Charity is a Thing

You’re always hearing about charities turning out to be ruthless ass hole filled organizations. This is not one of those times. They have Matt Damon so…how do you like them apples? (and the crowd goes silent)

I’ll let Water.org speak for itself for a moment. Read all the things:

Image

I love graphics. They make me feel like I’ve gained knowledge when really nothing has happened.

When I give to charity my favorite way to do so is one in which I get something back. This time I chose one of these –

 a 20oz water bottle I’m going to use at work, because drinking water is a luxury that I’m bad at. It comes out of the god damn walls for god sakes and I don’t do it enough cause I’m dumb.

That is the video that got me. It has a bunch of people I like and it’s funny and I want to save ALL THE PEOPLE. So yeah. This will be the charity I’ll be all up in this year. Get with the times.

Why I Hate my Best Friends Girlfriend

Is the title of a powerpoint presentation (Click through to see the whole thing)

Imagethat I wrote in 10 minutes on the afternoon of July 6th, 2010. It was stupid and not well thought out, but I was in the moment (it’s not fictional, I mean, most of the jokes are false but it was based on a real person) and I put it up on the internet without thinking twice. Everything before that post that I wrote had gone unnoticed. 5 likes or reblogs or whatever the internet uses as positive emotional currency these days – at the most. Many of the articles I wrote had 0 views. Unlike today when I average 20 views (which I love dearly and never take for granted btdubbs.)

At the time I hadn’t found Reddit yet so I was really REALLY into Stumbleupon. I Stumbled every which way. So…I finish the last slide. I put it up on College Humor. Put it up on StumbleUpon, and left my house. Didn’t tell a soul.

The next day I wake up and, on a whim, I check the number of views. 10,000.

……10,000!!!!!!! Not only did it BLOW THE F UP but people LIKED IT….sort of. Most of the people who liked it liked it enough to re-blog and press the thumbs up. Most of the people who hated it REALLY let the StumbleUpon and College Humor comment sections know. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. Needless to say many people thought I was “Gheyyy” and a “Jealous Faggot” or a “Gheyyylord Jealous Faggot” which made even less sense… Nonetheless, I was excited! For a few seconds.

My thought process at that very moment was in this order exactly: Holy shit people are reading this. Holy shit people like it! Holy shiiiiiit some people reallllly hate it……..holy shit…..I really hope that girl/my best friend doesn’t use StumbleUpon.

I was in a true predicament. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. Do I take the article down so there is no way they will find it or do I keep it up because…well…cause…10,000! There were two major issues here. The first was, if you read it you will realize, it has its moments but it’s far from a masterpiece. My original idea was that if they had ever broken up in front of me I would always be ready with it so I could say “OKKKKK, let’s go to the slides!” The file I uploaded was just a rough draft of that stupid thought.

The second problem was that every moment I wasn’t acting – it was growing. 20,000 came in 1.5 days. 50,000 in 3 days. 100,000 in 4 days. At that point it didn’t matter if I took it down – people were downloading the file and re-uploading it on blog sites and internet cesspools like funny junk. It was everywhere. 5 days in it hit 200,000 hits. And then Tumblr happened… At that point I hadn’t told anyone what was going on and none of my friends had found it. I was a complete wreck.

By day 6 you could go to Google and type in “Why I hate” and it would auto fill to “my best friends girlfriend.”

Yeah. I was so screwed. OH and to top it all off, THE FIRST SLIDE HAS MY STUPID FACE ON IT.

A few things happened around that time. I finally told my friends who weren’t the people mentioned in the powerpoint about its existence. They thought it was hilarious. I then told them about how it blew up on the internet. They didn’t believe me. I then showed them the StumbleUpon page, which then had about 300,000 views. Then they laughed their asses off. For the record, I was the only one not laughing and I hate my friends.

Over the next year of my life, the same thing would happen about three times a week. Someone would send me a text or a Facebook wall post saying, “Hey…is this you?!” with the link attached. Then if it was on Facebook I would run to the nearest computer (I still had a flip phone at the time) and delete the post. Sometimes I literally ran. With a recently broken ankle. Like a banshee. Thankfully no one who I didn’t want to see it ever did while I cared. Eventually I just gave up and waited for inevitable, which I should of done from the beginning but hey – can’t blame a guy for trying…well….you can…and you probably should. I know I would.

The moral of this story is that if you write something that has a malicious nature and should be seen by no one – don’t post it on the internet, you idiot.

Every now and again I see it. Here it the most popular one on Tumblr. Not originally posted by me. 100,000+ reblogs.

And here it is on a bunch of different sites:

http://joyreactor.com/post/542538

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/960470/Why/

http://www.nert.me/pictures.php?current_id=50

http://cheezburger.com/5685190656

http://www.strangebeaver.com/2011/12/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend/

http://angelaspinkyworld.blogspot.com/2010/10/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend.html

http://willbarnesonline.com/wordpress/2010/12/02/why-i-hate-my-best-friends-girlfriend/

http://www.stumbleupon.com/content/2Oq2gu

The Google Search

It even inspired some others to create their own versions  that are incredibly similar.

There’s more, too. Lots more. Oh, and just to let you all know – The couple eventually split and I told the best friend about the Powerpoint. He laughed. Then I showed him that it had over a million views. Then he laughed until he cried.

Last time I checked, the original post had somewhere around 2 million views. The posts from other sites have about another million.

…Yeah. I know.