8 Recommendations for Every Day Life

I’m always looking for products and entertainment that will make my life more awesome, because without new stuff how will I know if my old stuff sucks or not? Exactly, I won’t.

I am by no means qualified to review products but I don’t actually believe anyone is so screw it; I’ll throw myself into the ring and see how it goes. I’ll try to pick things I don’t think most people have and or have seen/owned, and if it so happens you have already graced these objects or products with your presence or even worse, you hate them, then I don’t care and shut your face.

Movie: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

It didn’t do well in the box office and it has a generally annoying star (Michael Cera) but the director (Edgar Wright who also directed Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) is balls to the wall good at his job. I bought this blu-ray 30 minutes into watching someone else’s blu-ray instead of illegally downloading it so…yeah…pretty big stuff.

TV Show: Sherlock (BBC)

CBS recently premiered a show called Elementary based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories about the detective Sherlock Holmes. I watched it. It was okay. You know what’s not okay because it’s some of the greatest writing and acting to ever be put into the television format? The same god damn show that the BBC premiered in 2010.

Benedict Cumberbatch has the best name ever and plays Sherlock, an on and off addict and full time sociopath who solves the shit out of mysteries using deductive reasoning while his mistakenly homo life partner Dr. John Watson played by Martin Freeman gets dragged around and is charming in a best sidekick ever sort of way.

Also did I mention Martin Freeman is going to be fuckin’ Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit and Benedict Cumberbatch is slated to be both Kahn in the new Star Trek and Smaug in The Hobbit? I didn’t until right now? Crazy…SEE THIS SHOW

Food: Bacon and Meatloaf Wrap

If you’re a vegetarian I respect your decision but that sucks because this wrap is awesome. I’m not going to get into measurements because the only true way to measure during the food making process if with your eyes and your mouth. Also sometimes teaspoons.

For this wrap you’ll need:

Smoked Baconcooked crispy and ground up into small pieces

Meatloaf – cook in bacon grease if possible; sooo good.  You can also add stuff like onions, garlic, oregano, 3 tablespoons of extra prude olive oil, and black pepper

Cheddar Cheese– Melt that shit on top of the meatloaf

Russian Dressing– Oh my gawww soooo gooood. Basically it’s Mayo, Ketchup, and throw some horseradish, chives, and other shit in there. Or just buy it from the store like a normal human being. Thousand Island dressing is a decent backup in a pinch but just know that using it is total failure and you should reevaluate your poor life choices.

Caramelized OnionsPossibly the greatest invention since forever everything, read about making the tummy equivalent of striking oil here

Apple/Android Game: The Simpsons Tapped Out

               So okay, The Simpsons tricked me into playing Farmville, but this game got me through Super Nintendo Storm Sandy so I owe it an everlasting debt of gratitude.

Youtube Channels: Daily Grace, Mike Falzone, and VSauce

               For this I broke it into 2 categories which are comedy and learning shit. For Comedy check out Daily Grace and Mike Falzone and for accidental learning check out VSauce.

Grace, as her vlogs name suggests, makes a video every weekday and she is a lady who is just awkward enough to laugh with and not so awkward that you feel as though you should call the cops.

Mike Falzone is from the state I’m from and gives great advice that I wish I had said first.

VSauce tricks you into learning things and the guy who narrates the videos has the voice of a sex angel if you are into dudes who have cool voices.

Website: Rainy Mood

Have you ever thought the insanely generic thought, “Gosh I love thunder storms.” Well then you’re in luck! This website is a 20 minute loop of a fantastic rain and thunder track that you can play at different volumes! Ambient noise, guys! This is some highbrow shit!

If you want to take the experience from epic to super epic go to the bottom of the page and click the song choice that changes every time you visit the site. Personally I refresh the page until Bon Iver – Perth comes up but you can do whatever floats your metaphorical boat.

Book: Mine

There’s no way I wasn’t going to plug my own book. It’s sort of the entire point of this blog.

Music: Agnes Obel

Welcome to most relaxing shit of all time playa. This lady is straight outta Copenhagen, like a true Danish gangster. She plays piano and has a voice that could easily be put over every Indie movie you’ve ever seen. I highly recommend her for your ears. Also if you wanna get your funk in medium amounts of motion, check out the remix of her song Riverside.

So that’s it for my recommendations for now. If you guys liked it I’ll do it again, if you hate it we will never speak of it and it will hang an eerie awkwardness over our internet relationships for pretty much infinity. Sound good?

Good.

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7 Things I Wish Someone Told Me Earlier

AKA things I wish I listened to when I was younger

People always claim their lives would be better off if they were told certain things when they were younger. I’m here to tell you that is bull shit.

Maybe you don’t remember, so let me help. The holes in your face you use to listen were hurled both facts and lies since the day you were born. At some point your brain became advanced enough to understand what was being told to you. Then you did what every young person on earth does: You didn’t listen.

We knew better. We didn’t need help. We were young and for lack of a more precise term: we were stupid. Now, I say this in the past tense because I believe that you can put that time in which you were a wandering dolt in the past, but it very well might be your present and or future. I’m trying to be optimistic.

So to get to my point, here is a list of facts and lies that were told to me when I was a younger human being that I wish I had not just listened to, but really understood and took to heart.

1. Save Your God Damn Money.     

            You don’t need that candy bar or that new bike or most of the useless crap you own or want to own. I’m not saying you should keep your money in a special room for the rest of your life and only look at it with a camera; I’m just saying that most of the stuff you buy is dumb.

Every once in a while it is healthy to treat yo’ self, but you should really ask yourself “do I really need this stupid shit?” before you purchase anything. The answer most of the time is “hell no” but you tend to do it anyway. If one out of five of those times you chose not to buy something, you would be amazed at how much you save for when you want to get something way more awesome than that drink from a gas station or lip gloss if you’re lady folk.

2. Don’t Ask Why You Need to Learn Something in School

            I did this all the time, especially in math class. “Why do I need to learn long division? I have a calculator!” I thought I was so smart. The real answer to that question is, “A large portion of the population will never use long division again after us math teachers shove it down your throats, but the point of all of this education is to force you to work, even when what you’re doing doesn’t make sense.”

To that sentence I would have probably scoffed as well, but it’s so insanely important. Those of you with jobs know: Sometimes you have to do things you do not fully enjoy, but guess what – IT DOESN’T MATTER. You have bills and shit. You can’t just choose not to do something because it’s hard. Don’t wanna do it? Cool. Don’t eat, and then see how you feel. Probably hungry. Idiot.

3. Those People Don’t Matter, Don’t Care What They Think.

            As much as you want to think back on your high school experience and pretend it was exactly like Freaks and Geeks or Glee – it wasn’t.  But we all had those moments where we cared too much about what other people thought of us and let those feelings affect our daily lives. One of the greatest moments in the existence thus far was when I was in a bar a year ago and looked over the crowd to see most of my high school class and thought to myself, “I don’t give a flying turd what these people think.” It was glorious, but it would have helped a lot more if it happened 8 years sooner.

            Telling someone in high school to be themselves and that their peers don’t matter in the big picture is futile. At that age you can’t pull yourself out of that world. The only real advice you should tell someone in high school is that it’s okay to use the sentiment “fuck em” as much as possible. Deep down you will still care what others think of you but it will make you feel so much better if your first thought isn’t to conform but rather tell a group of people to fuck themselves. It feels awesome. 

4. Don’t Tell Everyone what’s on Your Mind All the Time

            You might think this new found transparency with the help of Twitter and Facebook is liberating and brings you closer to your friends and family but guess what: it doesn’t and you’re annoying. Have a little mystery! The rest of the world doesn’t want to know what you’re doing every few seconds. You’re not that interesting. Also last time I checked the average number of Facebook posts in a day does not perfectly correlate to the number of faces you romantically attack with your mouth – so stop it.           

            Use the 10 minute rule of thumb. Write a post you think is something of worth, and then leave it for 10 minutes. If in 10 minutes you still think it’s worth it, post it. Hell, this is actually advice for everyone, not just young people. Sadly most of us don’t grow out of this phase. OH and by the way…

5. That Awkward Moment When You’re Vague as Shit 

  1. Stop starting sentences with “that awkward moment.” We get it. Your life is awkward. No one cares.
  2. When you are vague on the internet or in real life all you’re doing is being an attention whore because you’re insecure. Everyone’s allowed to be insecure, but don’t let all those insecurities plague the rest of humanity. Take time out of your day to figure out what makes you insecure and then solve that problem. Your insecurities are highly unattractive – deal with your shit.

6. Put Away Your Phone

            We all live in a box now, and that box is in our pockets. If you go out with your friends, try for the love of funfetti cake (the best cake) to not look at your phone every 2 seconds. You have REAL LIFE friends who want to converse with you, so STOP REFRESHING FACEBOOK. Seriously no one has written on your wall for like a day and a half, it’s not going to happen. Get over it. The Earth has an entire spectrum of matter that your senses would be thrilled to get acquainted with, but it’s never going to happen if you all you do is play the latest Angry Birds.

7. Everything You Think Matters, Doesn’t Matter and Everything You Think Doesn’t Matter, Matters

            Yes that’s a quote from a movie, but a good portion of the population hasn’t seen it so I’m just going to go with it. Take some time to internalize your everyday life, bros and broettes. There’s a significantly good chance that most of what you try and accomplish is pointless. Do you have any older relatives you haven’t seen in a while? How hard would it be to get dinner with them on a Tuesday? Does the person or people who raised you call you every so often? Maybe try not becoming frustrated when they are trying harder than you to maintain one of the most important life shaping relationships you will ever have.

Clear every priority out of your life and start all over again. Take what you love and put it at the top. Take what you hate and figure out why you hate it in the first place. Think for a second that it might not be the Universe that hates you, but in fact it’s your fault because you spend more time letting yourself be unhappy than putting time and effort into happiness. Listen to the person that matters the most (it’s you by the way) but also realize you are wrong on a pretty constant basis, even when you’re certain you’re correct.

Maybe, for once, just listen. 

A Letter to My Little Man

This is an essay from my book TLDNR: A Book of Essays for your Face to Ingest – I’m putting it here now because it’s one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written/it’s different from my norm. Also it was written as a slam poem soooo that’s a thing.

In elementary school they always asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. Aside from the fact the growing up scared the hell out of me, I never had a tough time answering that question. When the droopy faced sweat pant wearing child next to me exclaimed, “Astronaut” I laughed. When the curly haired pin stripe girl across the room yelled “actress” I smiled and looked up at the ceiling squinting as hard as I could to see if my X-Ray vision had kicked in yet. Then the question came to me. “Ryan,” asked the puffy hair circle face flowered dress teacher, “what do you want to do when you grow up?” “Well,” said the slightly pudgy only kid in 2nd grade with bifocal glasses red reindeer sweater wearing boy… “I want to be a daddy.”

Ever since I can remember infants were my kryptonite. When I see a tiny child stare back at me with its newly opened eyes and its disproportionate head cocked to the side, I tend to melt uncontrollably. By the time I come back to reality my friends are overly concerned for my well being, while I am overly concerned about how I can one day make something so beautiful.

Every once and a while my mind will pole vault into a future I know so well. I’m sitting on a floor holding my little man’s arms up as he learns to walk. Every time the little guy falls I lean in as if he knows what I’m saying, “good try little man, but this time keep your eyes on me, okay?” He looks back at me as if to say, “Pick me up again! This time I’m sure I’ll do it!”

I have so many lessons for my little man that I can barely contain my wind pipes from expelling a world of knowledge at any given moment to a person who doesn’t even understand the air it breathes.

I have hope for you little man, almost as much hope as I have for myself. I hope that I do a good job raising you and teaching you all that I have learned and if I don’t know the answer to your question I hope the one I make up is a damn good one.

I hope I can paint the sky on your eyes so you never stop flying. I hope I can light the evening up for you just enough so you won’t be afraid of those big bad monsters in the shadows but not so bright that you can’t see the fireflies dance around our backyard. I hope that all the bed time stories I make up for you have a beginning and a middle but lets you take the end wherever you choose it to go. I hope that every smile on your face comes from your heart and not your mind because the mind can be a formidable foe.

Little man, I won’t tell you that your options are limitless but I will tell you that your hands can pull you to wherever you choose to reach. I won’t tell you that your actions don’t have consequences but I will tell you that those consequences can sometimes be as satisfying as the actions themselves.

I will, however, tell you that you should never settle. My little boy, my little man, you will not be the man at one side of the lake asking, “how far?” You will be the man in the row boat asking the world if it wants to race. You will not be the man on the edge of the cliff, no, you will be the man watching the ground become closer and closer and pull the string only when you see the ground throw in the white towel.

I believe in you little man, and because of you, I believe in myself. I promise I will hold your little hand as we walk across the street to drop you off at school. You will be the only kid in 2nd grade with an aluminum transformers lunch box and not one but two fruit roll ups a day, every day.

And hopefully, sometime, when you are sitting in class staring at the ceiling and the teacher asks you “what you want to be when you grow up” your answer won’t be, “I want to be a daddy.” No, your answer will be, “I want to be like my daddy.”

That’s my little man.